Ancient abusive

An old couple come out of a shop to see a traffic warden writing a ticket. "What the fuck are you doing?" says the old man.

"Just doing my job, sir," he replies.

"You dirty fucker," shouts the old woman.

"I’m afraid you’re getting another ticket for your abuse," he says.

"Fucking monkey knob," shouts the old man.

"Right, sir, I am having this vehicle clamped and taken away." He phones for the tow truck and the car is taken away.

"Well Jessie," says the man, "before we get the bus home lets see if we can find any more cars with Man U stickers in the windows."

Sign this petition, now

clipped from www.petition.fm Common Sense Mayor - Fighting PC THE LATEST VICTIM OF POLITICAL CORRECTNESS? The Mayor of Doncaster is being subjected to an investigation to answer an outrageous charge that his plans to eradicate political correctness would incite hatred.   It is likely that this complaint (which has already cost taxpayers in Doncaster many thousands of pounds) will be escalated still further and will interfere with his democratically elected mandate to tackle political correctness. 80% of the people of Britain (in an ICM poll commissioned by the Campaign Against Political Correctness) are fed up with political correctness and this figure is consistent regardless of age, sex, ethnicity, geographical location etc.  We urge all those who want to see an end to political correctness - which is intolerant, bureaucratic and expensive - to support the Mayor in his fight for a return to common sense and sign this petition now.

Same Sex marriage

Fred and Larry got married in California.

They couldn't afford a honeymoon so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first married night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Larry are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'

She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school. '

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,

'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'

His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

'OK, now tell me what you think.'

He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...... I think I gave him my airplane glue.'

Lawyers in Parliament

LAWYER: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
LAWYER: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

THINK ABOUT IT! MOST MEMBERS OF PARLIAMENT ARE LAWYERS.....

Where White Men go wrong

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'


The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'


Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'

Talking Dog

A man walks into a bar with his dog and puts the dog on a barstool. The bartender asks the man what he wants to drink.
"I'll have a bourbon and Coke!"
The man then turns to his dog and asks, "What are you going to have, Rover?"
"I'll have a Scotch and soda -- light on the soda," says Rover.
The bartender is skeptical about the dog talking. "Come on," he says, "that dog can't talk -- you're a ventriloquist!"
"No, Rover can really talk! While I am in the restroom, you can have a conversation with him yourself -- but don't let him out of your sight. He is a very valuable dog."
The man goes to the restroom. When he returns, the dog is gone.
"Hey, where's my dog? I told you not to let him out of your sight."
"Aw, I didn't believe that Rover could talk, so I gave him a quarter and sent him to the drug store to buy me a paper."
"Let's go look for him," said the man.
The two! went to the drugstore -- no Rover. They walked up and down nearby alleys and streets -- no dog! Finally, they found Rover in an alley on top of another dog, pumping away.
Pointing his finger at Rover, the man says angrily, "How come you are doing this? You have never done this before!"
"First time I ever had any money !

You may be Taliban if...

"Jeff Foxworthy Says.........."

"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF...."

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbour’s goat.

11. Your cousin is president of the United States!