Out of the mouths of Babes

I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven...
I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?"
Again, the answer was 'No!'
By now I was starting to smile.
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?"
Again, they all answered 'No!'
I was just bursting with pride for them.
I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"
A six-year-old boy shouted: "Yuv got tae be f.cking dead!"

Kinda brings a wee tear tae yir eye...........

Burnleeh 'uracane Appele

BURNLEY

 HURRICANE APPEAL

A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit the East  Pennine area of Lancashire in the early hours of Tuesday with its epicenter in Burnley.

 Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".

The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. 

 Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair.  

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. 

 Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.

Pennine wireless reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Burnley. 

 One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, 

 "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying.

My youngest two,  Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. 

 I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning."

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP ?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.

  Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:

Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark.

Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same.

 Required foodstuffs include:

Microwave meals
Tins of baked beans
Goldenlay Yolky Chucky Eggs
Ice cream
Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9
£5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

**Breaking news**

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop.

"Where are you bleeding from?" the ambulace driver asked,
"Padiham"
said the girl,
"and woss that gotta fukin' do wiv you?"
------------
" And - How many fingers have I got up now ? "
Asked the ambulance driver
" Fuck me ! I'm paralysed ! "
retorted ' Shazz '

Please don't forward this to anyone living in East Pennine area - oh, Fuck it, they won't be able to read it, anyway.

Lance Armstrong OBE- Other Buggers Expense

Lance Armstrong

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong,

Especially after what he achieved by winning 7 Tour de France races on drugs.

When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike.

Dr Livingstone Home from Afrika

Good news, Scotland.  The intrepid Celtic explorer has returned to his native Ffyfe with a dead yellowish secretary bird on his arm.

What more can be said except Forfar will never be the same.  Pity the poor Labradors walking around the metropolis tugging hard with the load in tow.  Fortunately their owners, for some reason, all appear to be blind.  

Welcome Home, Hugh

Barber's convention or what?

Happy Hour in Bangkok This beats the shit out of Pretzels, Crisps, Peanuts or Pop Corn.

    ps: Can someone remind me what a blow-job is ????

Mens Rules

The Man Rules

We always hear 'the rules' from the female side

Now here are the rules from the male side
These are our rules!

Please note... they are all numbered '1' on purpose.


1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports are like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail, and witchcraft.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one! Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after seven days.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. All men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.. Really!

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Marksman Sam

Written by Marriott Edgar

When Sam Small joined the regiment, 'E were no' but a raw recruit, And they marched 'im away one wint'ry day, 'Is musket course to shoot. They woke 'im up at the crack o' dawn, Wi' many a nudge and shake, 'E were dreaming that t' Sergeant 'ad broke 'is neck, And 'e didn't want to wake. Lieutenant Bird came on parade, And chided the lads for mooning, 'E talked in a voice like a pound o' plums, 'Is tonsils needed pruning. "Move to the right by fours," he said, Crisp like but most severe, But Sam didn't know 'is right from 'is left, So pretended 'e didn't 'ear. Said Lieutenant, "Sergeant, take this man's name." The Sergeant took out 'is pencil, 'E were getting ashamed o' taking Sam's name, And were thinking o' cutting a stencil. Sam carried a musket, a knapsack and coat, Spare boots that 'e'd managed to wangle, A 'atchet, a spade... in fact, as Sam said, 'E'd got everything bar t'kitchen mangle. "March easy men," Lieutenant cried, As the musket range grew near, "March easy me blushing Aunt Fanny," said Sam, "What a chance with all this 'ere." When they told 'im to fire at five 'undred yards, Sam nearly 'ad a fit, For a six foot wall, or the Albert 'All, Were all 'e were likely to 'it. 'E'd fitted a cork in 'is musket end, To keep 'is powder dry, And 'e didn't remember to take it out, The first time 'e let fly. 'Is gun went off with a kind o' pop, Where 'is bullet went no-one knew, But next day they spoke of a tinker's moke, Being killed by a cork... in Crewe. At three 'undred yards, Sam shut 'is eyes, And took a careful aim, 'E failed to score but the marker swore, And walked away quite lame. At two 'undred yards, Sam fired so wild, That the Sergeant feared for 'is skin, And the lads all cleared int' t' neighbouring field, And started to dig 'emselves in. "Ooh, Sergeant! I hear a scraping noise," Said Sam, "What can it be?" The noise that 'e 'eard were lieutenant Bird, 'Oo were climbing the nearest tree. "Ooh, Sergeant!" said Sam, "I've 'it the bull! What price my shooting now?" Said the Sergeant, "A bull? Yer gormless fool, Yon isn't a bull... it's a cow!" At fifty yards 'is musket kicked, And went off with a noise like a blizzard, And down came a crow looking fair surprised, With a ram-rod through 'is gizzard. As 'e loaded 'is musket to fire agen, Said the Sergeant, "Don't waste shot! Yer'd best fix bayonets and charge, my lad, It's the only chance yer've got. Sam kept loading 'is gun while the Sergeant spoke, Till the bullets peeped out of the muzzle, When all of a sudden it went off bang! What made it go were a puzzle. The bullets flew out in a kind of a spray, And everything round got peppered, When they counted 'is score... 'e'd got eight bulls eyes, Four magpies, two lambs and a shepherd. And the Sergeant for this got a D.C.M. And the Colonel an O.B.E. Lieutenant Bird got the D.S.O. And Sam got... five days C.B.

Farmer's solution

Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right wheel well fender, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers .

Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.

'What on earth are you doing Mick' says Paddy

'Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin stuffin' out of me' says an obviously embarrassed Mick, 'but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor. "

Von Evy Drinke - Diplomatic Corp 42 Right

Adolph is not alive and living on a caravan sight near you, or is he?

Found dead

A man has been found dead in a river at 6pm wearing an England football shirt, womens' knickers, fishnet stockings, suspenders, a blow-up doll on the end of his todger and a dildo stuck up his arse. Police have removed the shirt to spare his family any embarrassment.

World Kup

Argentina are playing England in the world cup, and Messi says to the team, "listen you all seem tired, why don't you have a night off, have a drink and I'll play by myself." So they agree and Messi goes to play England by himself.
At half time the Argentinian team check the score and they see ARG 1-0 ENG (Messi 37th min).
They're all impressed and get back to what theyre doing.
After the match finishes they check the score and see ARG 1-1 ENG (Lampard 85th min).
They go to their dressing room and see Messi with his head in his hands. They tell him, "Come on, cheer up you got a draw all by yourself, that's great."Messi replies, "No you don't understand, I got sent off in the 60th minute."

Run ashore

Bootneck walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Steinlager.
Barman asks, "What's wrong with Steinlager?"
Bootneck replies, "I had 12 pints of it last night and when I came to I was
fucking skint."
Barman says, "But 12 pints of anything costs about the same."
Bootneck replies, "Skint's my dog."

Lawyers in Parliament

LAWYER: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
LAWYER: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

THINK ABOUT IT! MOST MEMBERS OF PARLIAMENT ARE LAWYERS.....

Where White Men go wrong

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'


The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'


Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'

Talking Dog

A man walks into a bar with his dog and puts the dog on a barstool. The bartender asks the man what he wants to drink.
"I'll have a bourbon and Coke!"
The man then turns to his dog and asks, "What are you going to have, Rover?"
"I'll have a Scotch and soda -- light on the soda," says Rover.
The bartender is skeptical about the dog talking. "Come on," he says, "that dog can't talk -- you're a ventriloquist!"
"No, Rover can really talk! While I am in the restroom, you can have a conversation with him yourself -- but don't let him out of your sight. He is a very valuable dog."
The man goes to the restroom. When he returns, the dog is gone.
"Hey, where's my dog? I told you not to let him out of your sight."
"Aw, I didn't believe that Rover could talk, so I gave him a quarter and sent him to the drug store to buy me a paper."
"Let's go look for him," said the man.
The two! went to the drugstore -- no Rover. They walked up and down nearby alleys and streets -- no dog! Finally, they found Rover in an alley on top of another dog, pumping away.
Pointing his finger at Rover, the man says angrily, "How come you are doing this? You have never done this before!"
"First time I ever had any money !

You may be Taliban if...

"Jeff Foxworthy Says.........."

"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF...."

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbour’s goat.

11. Your cousin is president of the United States!

Johnny in the last class before Christmas

It's the day before Christmas break. The students have turned in all their work, and there is really nothing more to do. The children are so restless the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly, can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself: "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says: "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny say a word, Mary says: "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny gets his mouth open, Nancy says: "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
By now, Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
When the teacher turns her back, Johnny says: "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher spins around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny: "TIGER WOODS!!! Can I go now?"