Monday, 29 April 2013

Out of the mouths of Babes

I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven...
I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?"
Again, the answer was 'No!'
By now I was starting to smile.
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?"
Again, they all answered 'No!'
I was just bursting with pride for them.
I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"
A six-year-old boy shouted: "Yuv got tae be f.cking dead!"
Kinda brings a wee tear tae yir eye...........

Monday, 18 March 2013

Burnleeh 'uracane Appele


A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit the East  Pennine area of Lancashire in the early hours of Tuesday with its epicenter in Burnley.
 Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".

The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. 
 Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair.  
Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. 
 Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.

Pennine wireless reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Burnley. 
 One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, 
 "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying.
My youngest two,  Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. 
 I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning."
Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.


This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.
  Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:

Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same.
 Required foodstuffs include:

Microwave meals
Tins of baked beans
Goldenlay Yolky Chucky Eggs
Ice cream
Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9
£5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

**Breaking news**
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop.

"Where are you bleeding from?" the ambulace driver asked,
said the girl,
"and woss that gotta fukin' do wiv you?"
" And - How many fingers have I got up now ? "
Asked the ambulance driver
" Fuck me ! I'm paralysed ! "
retorted ' Shazz '

Please don't forward this to anyone living in East Pennine area - oh, Fuck it, they won't be able to read it, anyway.

Lance Armstrong OBE- Other Buggers Expense

Lance Armstrong

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong,
Especially after what he achieved by winning 7 Tour de France races on drugs.
When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike.

Wednesday, 27 February 2013

Out of the mouths of...

I was in a pet shop last week when I noticed a Muslim with the most amazingly coloured parrot perched on his shoulder…
"Where did you get that from?" I asked,

Christmas Island,Australia,!!! there's f’kin thousands of them!"--said the Parrot…!!

Thursday, 21 February 2013

Horsing around

Tesco are giving treble points on your Clubcard for all burgers and petrol, starting today

The deal’s called Only Fuel and Horses.

Thursday, 1 March 2012

Dr Livingstone Home from Afrika

Good news, Scotland.  The intrepid Celtic explorer has returned to his native Ffyfe with a dead yellowish secretary bird on his arm.

What more can be said except Forfar will never be the same.  Pity the poor Labradors walking around the metropolis tugging hard with the load in tow.  Fortunately their owners, for some reason, all appear to be blind.  
Welcome Home, Hugh