Rare Michelangelo Painting found in Arkansas

Antiques Road Show discovers A Rare Michelangelo Painting in Arkansas, which may be worth millions!

Governmentium: defined.

I have stolen this from Theo Spark with hope that he does not sue me for plagiarism.

To heck with copper or moly or niobium or germanium or gallium or arsenic,.............lets get some Governmentium.

New research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 5 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each re-organization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical level of concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

Note to self: 'Cancel credit cards prior to death!

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless
and so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today!

A lady died this past January, and ABSA bank billed her for February and
March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and
Then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had
been £0.00, now is somewhere around £60.00.

A family member placed a call to the ABSA Bank:

Family Member:
'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'

ABSA:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply'

Family Member:
'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

ABSA:
'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member:
So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

ABSA:
'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to
the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member:
'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

ABSA:
'Excuse me?'

Family Member:
'Did you just get what I was telling you . . . The part about her
being dead?'

ABSA:
'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member:
'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'

ABSA:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply'

Family Member:
'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

ABSA:
(Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member:
'No, I'm her great nephew.'
(Lawyer info given)

ABSA:
'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member:
'Sure.'
( fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

ABSA:
'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I
can do to help.'

Family Member:
'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing
her. I don't think she will care.'

ABSA:
'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'

Family Member:
'Would you like her new billing address?'

ABSA:
'That might help.'

Family Member:
' XXXXXX Cemetery, 1249 XXXX Rd, Plot Number 1049.'

ABSA:
'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member:
'Well, what do you do with dead people on your planet?'

This would be funny had it not happened recently to a friend.

Where information is found

There are insidious organisations determined not to allow freedoms to read. One of the major site for disseminating information is being legalised out of existance, on dubious charges.
Click on the site http://88.80.13.160/w/index.php?title=Wikileaks&oldid=25694
and view for yourself.

clipped from 88.80.13.160 Wikileaks is developing an uncensorable system for untraceable mass document leaking and public analysis. Our primary interests are in Asia, the former Soviet bloc, Latin America, Sub-Saharan Africa and the Middle East, but we expect to be of assistance to peoples of all countries who wish to reveal unethical behavior in their governments and corporations. We aim for maximum political impact...(more) SUPPORT OUR FIRST AMENDMENT APPEAL AGAINST THE US ORDER TO PERMANENTLY CENSOR WIKILEAKS.ORG! Back our defense fund by emailing supporters@sunshinepress.org with your pledge! Wikileaks

They've taken me off YouTube?

I was depressed last night so I called Samaritans.

They put me through to a call center in Pakistan.

When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

A Sad Loss.

clipped from www.mod.uk Corporal Damian Mulvihill killed in Afghanistan 'Dee' was a giant of a man who impressed all who met him. Ever cheerful, he would never allow problems to get him down. He always had a friendly word for anyone he met and his fantastic personality filled any room he walked into. He was an excellent listener and would always make time for others. "He was a larger-than-life individual, with a personality to match, and his fellow marines took great comfort from his mere presence. As a friend he was loyal and trusted, as a comrade he was admired and emulated; a man of considerable ability, he will be sadly missed. Corporal Mulvihill has been cruelly taken from us in the prime of life but he shall not be forgotten. Our thoughts and most sincere condolences go out to his family and fiancée Lisa at this most difficult and sad time."

There will be no taking from this brave man's family the absolute respect they need at this awful time.
May your happy memories calm your grief.

Bumper election.

Don't you just love politicians?

I'd like to vote for those who think these slogans up, not the political spin doctors.

There was a T shirt worn in Rhodesia that read..."save petrol - drink meths". The authorities tried to ban it which resulted in more audacious slogans. Everyone saw them as jokes except for the Kill Joys and mind controllers. All that control stopped when the streets were filled with people wearing the "Hello Lusaka Airport, this is Green Leader" T shirts, which overnight swamped the country.
It perhaps adds a touch of poignancy to the expression- wearing your heart on your sleeve! Somehow, showing it on you chest is much better. That's why women with big tits and their mouths shut can always make a healthy man smile :).

Mud pack V. twelve pack.

Husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's when the man picks up a crate of Stella and sticks it into the trolley

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife

'They're on offer, only £10 for 12 cans', he says

'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping...

A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man,

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says

The man replies... 'SO DOES 12 CANS OF STELLA AND IT'S HALF THE PRICE'

Scousers

86% of all Scousers have admitted to having sex in the shower.

The other 14% said they had not as yet been to prison.

Send for Flames O' Toole.

clipped from www.mod.uk A member of Delta Company, 40 Commando Royal Marines, at Gibraltar Forward Operating Base in the heart of the 'Green Zone' in the Upper Gereshk Valley, Northern Helmand, uses the open air ablutions [Picture: LA (Phot) AJ MaCleod]

Flames would warm the boy's bottoms. He did a great job on the shitters in Kiss Company -sorry, for non Bootnecks, that was 42 Commando. The Malaysian government gave Flames a medal for his action, some tosspot at the Ministry of Non combatants says he can't wear it. What does the MoD not understand about the expression "fu** **f"?

American elections?

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't. The aged animal was struck and killed! Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened.
She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray.
He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare, huge
Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

"What happened to you," asked Hillary?
"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar,
his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters
made passionate love to me!"
"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.
The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said,
I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.
The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."

Dumb Blondes

7 Kinds of SEX

Results of a recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.

This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.

This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.

This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex.

This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the Hallway you both say "screw you."

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.

Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.

This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least,

The 7th kind of sex is called: Social security Pension Sex.

You get a little each month, but not enough to enjoy yourself.

PLEASE, DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN.

I have enough problems of my own.

Curing deafness.

My neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the vet. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the Chemist and gets some "Nair" hair remover. When she goes to pay, the Chemist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms." The Chemist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days." The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The Chemist says: "Stay off your bicycle for at least a week."

Hill-billy?

The Next President or the Past President?

Women are Evil

A husband and wife were sitting around one day drinking a bottle of wine. The husband turns to his wife and says, "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time."

After thinking about it a few minutes the wife looks at her husband and
says, "Your pecker is bigger than your brothers!"

BA flight 083 crash solved

Photograph taken by notareargunner's mole.