Out of the mouths of Babes

I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven...
I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?"
Again, the answer was 'No!'
By now I was starting to smile.
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?"
Again, they all answered 'No!'
I was just bursting with pride for them.
I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"
A six-year-old boy shouted: "Yuv got tae be f.cking dead!"

Kinda brings a wee tear tae yir eye...........

On a lighter note

The Suicide Bomber according to BILLY

Burnleeh 'uracane Appele

BURNLEY

 HURRICANE APPEAL

A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit the East  Pennine area of Lancashire in the early hours of Tuesday with its epicenter in Burnley.

 Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".

The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. 

 Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair.  

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. 

 Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.

Pennine wireless reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Burnley. 

 One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, 

 "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying.

My youngest two,  Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. 

 I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning."

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP ?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.

  Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:

Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark.

Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same.

 Required foodstuffs include:

Microwave meals
Tins of baked beans
Goldenlay Yolky Chucky Eggs
Ice cream
Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9
£5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

**Breaking news**

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop.

"Where are you bleeding from?" the ambulace driver asked,
"Padiham"
said the girl,
"and woss that gotta fukin' do wiv you?"
------------
" And - How many fingers have I got up now ? "
Asked the ambulance driver
" Fuck me ! I'm paralysed ! "
retorted ' Shazz '

Please don't forward this to anyone living in East Pennine area - oh, Fuck it, they won't be able to read it, anyway.

Lance Armstrong OBE- Other Buggers Expense

Lance Armstrong

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong,

Especially after what he achieved by winning 7 Tour de France races on drugs.

When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike.

Out of the mouths of...

I was in a pet shop last week when I noticed a Muslim with the most amazingly coloured parrot perched on his shoulder… "Where did you get that from?" I asked, Christmas Island,Australia,!!! there's f’kin thousands of them!"--said the Parrot…!!

Horsing around

Tesco are giving treble points on your Clubcard for all burgers and petrol, starting today. 

The deal’s called Only Fuel and Horses.

Dr Livingstone Home from Afrika

Good news, Scotland.  The intrepid Celtic explorer has returned to his native Ffyfe with a dead yellowish secretary bird on his arm.

What more can be said except Forfar will never be the same.  Pity the poor Labradors walking around the metropolis tugging hard with the load in tow.  Fortunately their owners, for some reason, all appear to be blind.  

Welcome Home, Hugh

Barber's convention or what?

Happy Hour in Bangkok This beats the shit out of Pretzels, Crisps, Peanuts or Pop Corn.

    ps: Can someone remind me what a blow-job is ????

Mens Rules

The Man Rules

We always hear 'the rules' from the female side

Now here are the rules from the male side
These are our rules!

Please note... they are all numbered '1' on purpose.


1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports are like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail, and witchcraft.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one! Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after seven days.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. All men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.. Really!

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Marksman Sam

Written by Marriott Edgar

When Sam Small joined the regiment, 'E were no' but a raw recruit, And they marched 'im away one wint'ry day, 'Is musket course to shoot. They woke 'im up at the crack o' dawn, Wi' many a nudge and shake, 'E were dreaming that t' Sergeant 'ad broke 'is neck, And 'e didn't want to wake. Lieutenant Bird came on parade, And chided the lads for mooning, 'E talked in a voice like a pound o' plums, 'Is tonsils needed pruning. "Move to the right by fours," he said, Crisp like but most severe, But Sam didn't know 'is right from 'is left, So pretended 'e didn't 'ear. Said Lieutenant, "Sergeant, take this man's name." The Sergeant took out 'is pencil, 'E were getting ashamed o' taking Sam's name, And were thinking o' cutting a stencil. Sam carried a musket, a knapsack and coat, Spare boots that 'e'd managed to wangle, A 'atchet, a spade... in fact, as Sam said, 'E'd got everything bar t'kitchen mangle. "March easy men," Lieutenant cried, As the musket range grew near, "March easy me blushing Aunt Fanny," said Sam, "What a chance with all this 'ere." When they told 'im to fire at five 'undred yards, Sam nearly 'ad a fit, For a six foot wall, or the Albert 'All, Were all 'e were likely to 'it. 'E'd fitted a cork in 'is musket end, To keep 'is powder dry, And 'e didn't remember to take it out, The first time 'e let fly. 'Is gun went off with a kind o' pop, Where 'is bullet went no-one knew, But next day they spoke of a tinker's moke, Being killed by a cork... in Crewe. At three 'undred yards, Sam shut 'is eyes, And took a careful aim, 'E failed to score but the marker swore, And walked away quite lame. At two 'undred yards, Sam fired so wild, That the Sergeant feared for 'is skin, And the lads all cleared int' t' neighbouring field, And started to dig 'emselves in. "Ooh, Sergeant! I hear a scraping noise," Said Sam, "What can it be?" The noise that 'e 'eard were lieutenant Bird, 'Oo were climbing the nearest tree. "Ooh, Sergeant!" said Sam, "I've 'it the bull! What price my shooting now?" Said the Sergeant, "A bull? Yer gormless fool, Yon isn't a bull... it's a cow!" At fifty yards 'is musket kicked, And went off with a noise like a blizzard, And down came a crow looking fair surprised, With a ram-rod through 'is gizzard. As 'e loaded 'is musket to fire agen, Said the Sergeant, "Don't waste shot! Yer'd best fix bayonets and charge, my lad, It's the only chance yer've got. Sam kept loading 'is gun while the Sergeant spoke, Till the bullets peeped out of the muzzle, When all of a sudden it went off bang! What made it go were a puzzle. The bullets flew out in a kind of a spray, And everything round got peppered, When they counted 'is score... 'e'd got eight bulls eyes, Four magpies, two lambs and a shepherd. And the Sergeant for this got a D.C.M. And the Colonel an O.B.E. Lieutenant Bird got the D.S.O. And Sam got... five days C.B.

Farmer's solution

Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right wheel well fender, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers .

Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.

'What on earth are you doing Mick' says Paddy

'Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin stuffin' out of me' says an obviously embarrassed Mick, 'but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor. "

Irish interview techniques

Murphy applied for a fermentation operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin. A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the Pole the job."

Murphy, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job."

Manager, " We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."

Murphy, " And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"

Manager, " Simple. On question number 7 the Pole wrote down, 'I don’t know.' You put down, ‘Neither do I’.

Von Evy Drinke - Diplomatic Corp 42 Right

Adolph is not alive and living on a caravan sight near you, or is he?

Genisis - according to the Bootnecks

In the beginning God created the heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And God said, "Let there be light" and there was light.

And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.

And the Devil said, "There goes the neighborhood."

And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth."

And so God created Man in his own image; male and female created he them.

And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.

And the Devil said, "I know how I can get back in this game."

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And the Devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger.

And the Devil said to Man: "You want fries with that?"

And Man said: "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.

And the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And the Devil brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And the Devil saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And the Devil canceled Man's health insurance.

Then God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken and cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice.

And the Devil created light beer so Man could poison his body with alcohol while feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz.

And Man gained another ten pounds.

And God created the life-giving tofu. And Woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva Chocolate and upon returning asked Man: "Do I look fat?"

And the Devil said, "Always tell the truth." And Man did.

And Woman went out from the presence of man and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counselor. And Woman put aside the seeds of the earth and took unto herself comfort food.

And God brought forth Weight-watchers. It didn't help.

And God created exercise machines with easy payments.

And man brought forth his Visa at 21 percent. And the exercise machine went to dwell in the closet of Nod, east of the polyester leisure suit.

And in the fullness of time, Woman received the exercise machine from Man in the property settlement. It didn't help her, either.

Found dead

A man has been found dead in a river at 6pm wearing an England football shirt, womens' knickers, fishnet stockings, suspenders, a blow-up doll on the end of his todger and a dildo stuck up his arse. Police have removed the shirt to spare his family any embarrassment.

World Kup

Argentina are playing England in the world cup, and Messi says to the team, "listen you all seem tired, why don't you have a night off, have a drink and I'll play by myself." So they agree and Messi goes to play England by himself.
At half time the Argentinian team check the score and they see ARG 1-0 ENG (Messi 37th min).
They're all impressed and get back to what theyre doing.
After the match finishes they check the score and see ARG 1-1 ENG (Lampard 85th min).
They go to their dressing room and see Messi with his head in his hands. They tell him, "Come on, cheer up you got a draw all by yourself, that's great."Messi replies, "No you don't understand, I got sent off in the 60th minute."

Run ashore

Bootneck walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Steinlager.
Barman asks, "What's wrong with Steinlager?"
Bootneck replies, "I had 12 pints of it last night and when I came to I was
fucking skint."
Barman says, "But 12 pints of anything costs about the same."
Bootneck replies, "Skint's my dog."

Gone to Hell

Nelson Mandela, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil
tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and
talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the
cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she was
finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen
Elizabeth writes him a cheque. Finally Nelson Mandela gets his turn and
talks for 4 hours. When he was finished the devil informed him that there
would be no charge for the call and feel free to call South Africa anytime.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Nelson
Mandela got to call South Africa free. The devil replied, "Since Jacob Zuma
became president of South Africa, the country has gone to hell, so it's a
local call."

Wait for Blair and Brown to arrive.

Phone God

An American photographer on vacation was inside a church in Leeds taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '£10,000 per call'.
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Bradford. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Leeds and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 he could talk to God.
'O.K., thank you,' said the American.
He then travelled to York, Rotherham, Sheffield, Dewsbury, and Pickering.
In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '£10,000 per call' sign under it.
The American, upon leaving Yorkshire decided to travel up to Lancashire to see if Lancastrians had the same phone.
He arrived in Darwin, and again in the first church he entered there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '50 pence per call.'
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've travelled all over Yorkshire and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in Yorkshire the price was £10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'you’re in Lancashire now, son ... it's a local call.'