history repeating itself.

Just in case you Americans forget who the enemy is.

Drunks - don't you just love them

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'
He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk

Tuesday's titter

'Viagra' is now available in powder form for your tea.

It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft.

Straight from the TROUGH

Official Announcement:
The Nu lieber government today announced that it is changing the coat of arms to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed!

Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that.

Speaker of the House

clipped from www.timesonline.co.uk Michael Martin: the speaker cornered One of the oddities of parliament’s opaque procedures is that a Freedom of Information request will show that on February 19 this year, Speaker Martin gave tea to the Polish ambassador and claimed back £3.77 on expenses. Yet there is still no requirement for him to reveal which members of his own family he employs on the public purse, and at what salary. Ann Keen, Labour MP for Brentford and Isleworth, ran his campaign for Speaker eight years ago and remains a close ally in the Commons. She and her husband, the fellow Labour MP Alan Keen, earned the joint tabloid sobriquet “Mr and Mrs Expenses” after it became known that each was claiming £17,669 in housing allowances for the mortgage on an apartment on the south bank of the Thames, even though they live only nine miles from Westminster.

A must read. If you have a friend who is dogmatically Nu Lieber, give them a copy of the Times report. Then just sit back and listen to them whine, prattle and lie.

Saturday's ditty

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked...

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

Not in MY NAME.

clipped from www.gordonmarsden.co.uk MPs Gordon Marsden and Joan Humble have been elected to top offices in a new All-Party Parliamentary Group which has been set up to advance and lobby for veterans’ interests in both Houses of Parliament. At the inaugural meeting of the all-party group which includes both MPs and Peers, Mr Marsden was elected chair and Mrs Humble secretary. The new Veterans Group, which already has over 90 members who have joined from both Commons and Lords, drawn from all the main parties and crossbenches has among its aims “Emphasising the importance of veterans, young and old, in our communities and way of life”. Last evening I had dinner with a former comrade and his sons, one a veteran of the Iraq illegal campaign. So incensed were all that the elder son said he was prepared to stand against Marsden in the next election "to show the hypocrisy of the position". I have not had a single reply from Mr Marsden since I pointed out that the British Armed Forces were the only force in the World, especially in Europe, that has not derogated against homosexuals into the Armed Forces. And I asked him why not? It is a tool of enormous blackmail. From members of my own immediate family, all long serving members of HMF's, the abuse against heterosexual members is wide spread and getting worse. As with the race situation, you try to comply with QR&R's and you are hit with..."you can't do that, I'm a homosexual (substitute Black for race)." If you raise the problem you are immediately labelled homophobic. Nothing can be further from the truth. I did a twelve week stint on an OP in Belfast with five other men. When I got back from leave two of the corporals had disappeared, gone, whizzed out of the Mob because, as rumour had it, they were caught in the brown trap. I was angry on two levels. One, because I had no inkling or even cared if the lads were nosh or not, they did their duty. Two. I was aware that mere association could tarnish my career. Under the Official Secrets Act no questions were asked and no explanation given. What I cannot get out of my head is the idea that Gordon Marsden would have been branded unfit to serve, has no concept of service life, has no empathy with servicemen and women other than never answering reasonable queries from me on issues from procurement to the housing of divorced serving personnel. Will someone inform me to whom I must raise my most serious objection to this position and it's head and secretary? As the protesters said against the illegal Iraqi War, not in my name. As for Joan Humble? Most local ex service men are still trying to digest her crass 'Polish immigrants' comments. Stick to your Gay Rights, Gordon and let real soldiers argue for former soldiers rights. As you all know, we have none.

Facts about politician's expenses.

clipped from www.order-order.com

I hope Guido Fawkes will forgive me, but for all those stuck with political dogma this is a site to make even the dimmest of the electorate think.
If you cannot see that your party is as corrupt as the other, you are too stupid to vote and ought to be in a mental institute. Politicians are trying to get reversed an ancient decision that lunatics and mentally impaired cannot sit for Parliament. The evidence is that not only do they sit for Parliament, but their fellow patients vote them in. That means you.
Just spend a few minute a week with Guido for a good laugh and a long cry.

Thursday's titter

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

A Culture Clash

This is for those who do not believe in the Freedom of Speech, Freedom of Expression, Freedom to Laugh at bigotry. Do you know what you are missing?

Tuesdays Joke

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

Mondays Joke

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?

They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

Today's hero joke

Women will never be equal to men...
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Todays Email

WIN A COUNCIL HOUSE

Good morning and welcome to a brand new edition of 'ASYLUM'.

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No application ever refused reasonable or unreasonable. All you have to do is destroy all your papers and remember the magic password: 'ASYLUM'.

Few years ago 140 members of the Taliban family from Afghanistan were flown Goat Class from Kabul to our international gateway at Stansted where local law enforcement officers were on hand to fast-track them to their luxury £200-a-night rooms in the fabulous four star Hilton Hotel. They join tens of thousands of other lucky winners already staying in hotels all over Britain.

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Everyone's a winner, when they play 'ASYLUM'.

FORWARD THIS TO EVERY BRITISH TAX PAYER YOU KNOW!

This may lead to me being sent to prison, but it is a perception I cannot discount. The net is full of such clear thoughts.

Elderly Jewish Man

A CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Fishbone," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! For what do you pray?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fuckin' wall."

We all know how he feels. It's just like taking to a politician.

True Love

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she still sat devotedly by his hospital bedside every single day. One day, in one of his rare waking moments, he motioned for her to come nearer. She moved close to him and whispered in his ear, 'Yes my darling, what is it?'
With tears welling in his eyes he told her, 'You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. You've stuck with me through thick and thin. When I fell overboard on our honeymoon, you raised the alarm and saved my life. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When I lost that winning lotto ticket, you consoled me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got run over, you stayed by my bedside. When we lost the house, you stayed with me. And now, with my health failing, you are still by my side. You know what?'
'What dear?'

She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth, 'I think you're bad luck, fuck off.'

Motorist told flag could be racist

clipped from www.wiltshiretimes.co.uk Motorist told flag could be racist A TEENAGE motorist was told to remove an England flag from his car by a police officer because it could be offensive to immigrants.

I try to treat these subjects seriously. On behalf of all Englishmen, to the policeman who stopped this young man, to the politicians who will do nothing except add on to their expenses, to all those who cannot do anything without need for reward, go boil yer heads.
It's instances like this that make me want to vote BNP.

The one question you need to answer

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional, situation in which you will have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

THE SITUATION:

You are in England, York to be specific.

There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.

This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.

You're trying to shoot career-making photos.

There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water.

Nature is unleashing all its destructive fury.

THE TEST:

Suddenly, you see a man in the water.
He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.
You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar...
You suddenly realize who it is... It's Gordon Brown! You notice that the raging
waters are about to take him under forever.

You have two options:

You can save the life of Gordon Brown or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo,

documenting the death of one of the country's most powerful men!

THE QUESTION:

Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...

Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic
simplicity of black and white?

Poor reporting by Mail puts justice in jeopardy

clipped from www.dailymail.co.uk Cyclist killed teenage girl on pavement 'after refusing to swerve to avoid her' Howard, of Buckingham, was travelling at between 23mph and 17mph down the road and was captured on CCTV, Aylesbury Magistrates heard. Chris Thompson, defending, said: 'Mr Howard was riding down towards a group of young people. He shouted a warning and the group moved to his left. You were right, exactly what you said. But Rhiannon at the last minute stepped back in front of him. Is that what happened?' The witness said: 'When I turned around he was on the footpath.'

I scrutinised this piece very carefully as I was held by the headlines, but angry that the evidence does not support it. Unfortunately, there will be no comprehensive report as the Court is only a magistrates court and it will only be public interests that determine if it is covered. A judge would no doubt be demanding that the Mail awaits until after the trial has concluded to come up with such a definitive headline. The article includes the passage..."was travelling at between 23mph and 17mph down the road and was captured on CCTV".
Sympathies to the family, but let the verdict be just.

poster campaigning.

I know most of you are dog lovers and will help us. Our neighbour has lost her Chihuahua and is desperate to find him.

She does a lot of travelling and always takes her dog with her.

Yesterday, she was sitting on the couch watching TV. She called out for her puppy with no response, and the back door was open.

She has been putting up signs everywhere. If you see this dog, please let me know and I will notify her. Your help would be greatly appreciated.

Beer

Email of the day

I bought a bird feeder. I hung it on my back patio and filled it with seed. What a beauty of a bird feeder it is as I filled it lovingly with seed. Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food.
But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above the table, and next to the barbecue.
Then came the shit... It was everywhere: on the patio tile, the chairs, the table...everywhere!

Then some of the birds turned mean. They would dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had fed them out of my own pocket.
And other birds were boisterous and loud. They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food.

After a while, I couldn't even sit in my own back garden anymore. So I took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone. I cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all over the patio.
Soon, the back yard was like it used to be ..... quiet, serene and no one demanding their rights to a free meal.

Now let's see..... our government gives out free food, subsidized housing, free medical care, and free education and allows anyone born here to be an automatic citizen.

Then the illegals came by the tens of thousands.
Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services; small apartments are housing 5 families; you have to wait 6 hours to be seen by an emergency room doctor; your child's 2nd grade class is behind other schools because over half the class doesn't speak English.

Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to 'press one' to hear my bank talk to me in English, and people waving flags other than our own Flag. are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties.

Just my opinion, but maybe it's time for the government to take down the bird feeder.
If you agree, pass it on; if not, continue cleaning up the shit!

In a week when Blackpool councillors are seeking funding to go to Rwanda to help the disenfranchised of Africa...a simple question. Do you know the numbers of those who need help; former regular servicemen and women, in Blackpool who suffer from diseases, maladies and consequence such alcoholism, homelessness, mental illness and more: and what are you doing about them?

Not long after former Royal Marine Johnny Burnside was found dead in appalling conditions, with no help or succour, interred with no respect from his peers, left to fester in conditions the Africans know only too well, what part of your Charity status says you have to ignore the plight of your own against the publicity winning accolades of international righteousness? What does the Rwandans deserve that Johnny Burnside did not?
Go to Africa, with your eyes wide open, because the evidence is, like so many politicians, you walk around your own areas with your eyes wide shut.