Sunday, 15 November 2009

Situation Vacant

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He says "Yes - just caffeine."
"'Have you ever been in the service?"
"Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment," and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes 100% …an IED exploded near me and blew my testicles off."
The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now.

Normal hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 AM - and plan on starting at 10 AM every day."
The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM, why don't you want me to be here before 10 AM?"
"'This is a government job, Procurement Officer at the MoD,” the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

Friday, 30 October 2009

Just an uncommon soldier

Just a Common Soldier

He was getting old and paunchy

And his hair was falling fast.

And he sat around the Legion

Telling stories of the past,

Of a war that he had fought in

And the deeds that he had done,

In his exploits with his buddies

They were heroes, every one.

Tho’ sometimes to his neighbours,

His tales became a joke,

All his Legion cuddies listened,

For they knew whereof he spoke,

But we'll hear his tales no longer,

For old Bill has passed away,

And the world's a little poorer -

For a soldier died today.

He'll not be mourned by many,

Just his children and his wife.

For he lived an ordinary.

Quiet and uneventful life,

Held a job and raised a family.

Quietly going his own way;

And the world won't note his passing —

Though a soldier died today.

When politicians leave this earth,

Their bodies lie in state.

While thousands note their passing

And proclaim that they wore great

Papers tell their life stories from

The time that they were young,

But the passing of a soldier

Goes unnoticed and unsung

Is the greatest contribution

To the welfare of our land,

A guy who breaks his promises

And cons his fellow man?

Or the ordinary fellow who,

In times of war and strife

Goes off to serve his country

And offers up his life?

A politician's stipend and the

Style in which he lives

Are sometimes disproportionate

To the service (hat h® gives,

While the ordinary soldier

Who offers up his all

Is paid off with a medal,

And perhaps a pension, small.

It’s so easy to forget them

For it was so long ago

That the "Old Bills*' of our country

Went to battle, but we know

It was not the politicians^

With their compromise and ploys,

Who won for us the freedom

That our country now enjoys.

Should you find yourself in danger

With your enemies at hand,

Would you want a politician

With his ever-shifting stand?

Or would you prefer a soldier

Who has sworn to defend

His home, his kin and country

And would fight until the end?

He was Just a common soldier

And his ranks are growing thin.

But his presence should remind us

We may need his like again.

For when countries are in conflict

Then we find the soldiers' part

Is to clean up all the troubles

That the politicians start.

If we cannot do him honour

While he's here to hear the praise,

Then at least let's give him homage

At the ending of his days,

Perhaps just a simple headline

In a paper that would say

"Our Country Is In Mourning -

For a Soldier Died today.

ANON

I do not know the author, but this is well worth a rerun.

Tuesday, 20 October 2009

Sing a Song of Parliament

Sing a song of Parliament,
Pockets full of cash,
Fraudulently claiming
And adding to their stash.
With their ploy discovered
They said they’d give it back.
If you or I had done the same
We'd promptly get the sack!

Sing a song of freebies,

Snouts all in the trough.
Giving back their ill got gains
Is just not good enough.
Sponging off our earnings
With a likely tale,
If working folk had done the same
They'd soon end up in jail.

Sing a song of fraudsters

Counting out their money.
They smile and look quite unashamed,
As though they think its funny.
Sitting in a secret place,
Counting out their dosh,
On plugs for baths and cleaning moats,
For crisps and orange squash.


Sing a song of MP’s
Who took us for a ride.
It's up to us election time
Their future to decide.
It's gone too far to bring back trust
Of anyone in power.
To most of us they'll always be
A shifty, crooked shower!!

Lyricist unknown

Thursday, 15 October 2009

Mugged again

This Ad Was Posted to Craig's List Personals:

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 05-27-09, 1:43 AM EST.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on my girlfriend and me, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.

I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.

My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.

Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, wasn't it?

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from bare footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people's in the gas station on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with

all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what's going on with that?

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office

and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

The FBI person seemed intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number, etc).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you . . . but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.

Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.

Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,

Ralph.

P.S. Remember this motto... An armed society makes for a more civil society!

Wednesday, 23 September 2009

The truth about politicians, only joking

THIS IS A NONPARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY All PARTIES! NOT ONLY THAT-- it is POLITICALLY CORRECT!!
While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

What happened?'
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning ...
Today you voted.'

Wednesday, 26 August 2009

US troop’s definition of Taliban

The US troops in Afghanistan proved they have retained their sense of humour, one of them sent this.

"YOU MAY BE TALIBAN IF ..."

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
10. You've always had a crush on your neighbour’s goat (If it were sheep that would be Welching).

Wednesday, 12 August 2009

Latest World Survey on Food

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:-
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure because of the following:
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
And Finally........................... In Australia they hung up because they can't understand an Indian accent.