Cold Winter

It was April and the Aboriginals in a remote part of Northern Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea.

He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked, 'Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?'

The meteorologist responded, 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold.'

So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

The meteorologist again replied, 'Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' he asked.

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'

'How can you be so sure?' the elder asked.

The weatherman replied, 'Our satellites have reported that the Aboriginals in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign.'

The Wisdom of An Older Man

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.

'Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, 'Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?'

'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.'

Armstrong explained

When Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he said” One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind, good luck Mr Goorski.”

For years, mission control tried to find out what he meant by “Good luck Mr Goorski.” They checked with Russian astronauts but could not locate Mr Goorski. Until now, Neil would not reveal what he meant by “Good luck Mr Goorski.”

Today in a press conference, he told reporters that years ago, when he was a young boy, he and his brother were playing ball when his brother hit the ball under their neighbours bedroom window. When Neil went to retrieve the ball, he overheard his neighbour’s wife, Mrs Goorski, telling her husband, “ORAL SEX? I’LL GIVE YOU ORAL SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!”

Beaurocracy

A Department of Water representative stopped at a farm and talked with the old farmer. He told the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm for your water allocation.'

The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't go in that field over there.'

The water representative said, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand me?'

The old farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores. Later, the old farmer heard loud screams and saw the water rep running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull. The bull was gaining on the water rep with every step. The rep was clearly terrified, so the old farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to
the fence and shouted out.....

'Your card! Your card! Show him your card!'

Beijing gymnastics – the ultimate viewing.

Tyldesley Secondary Modern School - Blackpool?

It just doesn’t pay to show off.

George Bush on the slur!!!

Just never assume

Donald Duck's trousers - just never assume…

The Liverpool Olympian

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented. They were married and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. She said, "That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started swimming lengths. After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath. He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No," she said, "I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey!"

Blond of the day (joke!)

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and can't find where it is and would like some more. 'I'm sorry,' says the pharmacist, “we don't have any.”

''But, I always buy it here,' says the blonde.

The pharmacist then takes her to a section of the store and says "This is the only kind of deodorant that we carry it and it is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.''

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container...

(Are you ready for this one!?)

'TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM.'

The Pearly Gates

40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.

St. Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying, 'I've got 40 travellers here. Can I let them in?'

God says 'We are over quota on Pikeys. Go out and tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen in.'

Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again. 'They've gone', he tells God.

'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'

'No, the gates.’

Barack Obama with the Indian Nations

WALKING EAGLE aka Barack Obama

I have always said the white man screwed the INDIANS not those other people...hurray for my INDIANS...

Senator BARACK OBAMA was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York . HE spoke for almost an hour on HIS future plans for increasing Native Americans present standard of living, should HE one day become the President.

HE referred to his career as a Senator, how he had signed 'YES' for every Indian issue that came to his desk for approval. Although the Senator was vague on the details of his plan, he seemed most enthusiastic about this future idea for helping his 'red sisters and brothers'.

At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud Senator then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later inquired of the group of chiefs as to how they came to select the new name they had given to the Senator. They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of s@#$ it can no longer fly.

The O'Bummer Road Show

The best laugh since Maggie Thatcher praised the last monkey into a Government. I.E Robert, Earl of Salisbury nee Harari (or Vice Versa).

Bus concessions in Lancashire

clipped from www.lep.co.uk Concern over real cost of free bus travel The concessionary bus pass scheme has proved a huge hit with Lancashire pensioners who have been able to travel for free. But high demand from the county's over 60s has caused concern in Red Rose town halls, and some politicians now worry whether their authorities can actually afford to subsidise free travel. Bus companies report increased passenger numbers and there has been a boost in the number of visitors to tourist areas like Lytham, Morecambe and Lancaster, now more accessible for older people. Preston was allocated £590,000 to fund concessionary fares in the city, but senior figures at the town hall claim the total needed could be nearer to £4m.

If the pensioners and disabled had not received their bus passes, those very same busses, which are now full, would be damaging the roads of Lancashire EMPTY.
Stop frightening the old and disabled. If you are getting ready to withdraw this concessionary package, at least have the courage to say so. There were no extra busses commissioned when the concessionary fares were introduced, so why all the haggle now?
Just because the average politician cannot do simple accounts, do not think that the average OAP or disabled person is so inflicted. We all know you rely on the inertia of the electorate, but many passengers on the busses are being forewarned of your duplicity. You used legalese to silence the revolt growing over he abandonment of the L1 service in Blackpool. You will get more than a whimpering reaction if you do not tell the truth about the realities of life with and without bus services.
From the expense claims submitted to Councils by Councillors, it must be gleamed that no councillor uses a bus? Don't give them expenses, make them use the bus and the services may just improve.

Open Letter to the American electorate

To the citizens of the United States of America from
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded, and a questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
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2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' with out skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
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3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.
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4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
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5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
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6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
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7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
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8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
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9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
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10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
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11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in 'Four Weddings and a Funeral' was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
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12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body Armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
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13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
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14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
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15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
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16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

Why Church sucks?

My godson was invited to join the choir. I told him definitely not here.