ONLY IN SOUTH AFRICA!!!!

A coloured drunk man walking past a river sees a priest baptizing his people and decides to go for a baptism.
The priest baptises his people by dunking their heads into the water and asks, "Have you seen Jesus?"
The people respond "Yes, I've seen Jesus".

When it was the drunkard's turn, the priest dunked his head into the water and pulled him out and asked him

"Have you seen Jesus?" He said no, so the priest put his head back into the water for a few more seconds and again asked "Have you seen Jesus?" The drunkard replied "No old man."

Angrily, the priest dunked his head for a much longer time and pulled the drunkard's head out and asked him "Have you seen Jesus?"

The drunkard replied, "Ek se my broer,........... are you sure he fell into this river?"

United Islamic State in America.

America accepts loosing the war against Terrorism. The Iman of Ignorance genuflects to a mystical GOD, giving builders more work in transforming the look of the Nation. Whilst a veil is drawn over those institutes that made freedom worthwhile.

Scotland get new supplier of fuel

Scotland is now ready for the next step in price rises.

Talking to each other?

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each
other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was
finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation
regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living
arrangements, and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject
of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked,
rather tentatively. 'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then
leaned over towards her and whispered, 'Is that one word or two?'

Banks lose to savers in Courts.

It is but the first step in a long road of mitigation.
If anything, it is a good result for those who challenge the authority of second class leadership. From Broon, all the way thru to ordinary -note I didn't write honourable - Members of Parliament, to leaders of HM Armed Forces.
Isn't it about time we got rid of mediocrity and got some decent British brains in place?
Question. If Jesus Christ was born in a stable, does it make him a donkey?

clipped from www.moneysavingexpert.com Bank Charges Reclaiming News: Result in the High Court test case! There’s a result in the high court test case; it's decided bank charges ARE covered by Unfair Contractual Terms rules. This is a major victory for bank charges reclaiming and a huge step. Find out all the latest whether you’ve started reclaiming, or plan to, this is a guide to what you should do.

The Covenant

clipped from www.britishlegion.org.uk Inquests can be very confusing for the families of Service personnel, particularly for those without knowledge of the legal system or the military. Solicitors can be expensive and funding is only available in “exceptional cases” where the family is financially eligible. Interestingly, all cases where someone has died in prison, in police custody or detained under the Mental Health Act 1983 are automatically classed as “exceptional cases” and the need to meet the financial eligibility criteria can be waived.

How narrow is the Covenant. In a period where a 51 reservist is killed in Iraq, it is interesting to see what can be done for the family.

Because he was a reservist, and not a regular, very little. It is down to the Associations to fulfil the obligation that ought to be the Governments.

The Sun shines on Boris

clipped from www.order-order.com Murdoch Moves : The Beginning of the Endgame

That merciless Pied Piper is at it again. After leading his semi-literate followers into a decade id Labour drudgery, he is now advocating the the the the Boris on Londers.
Good. They deserve each other.
Gone are the wonderfully friendly Cockney, replaced by immigrants of every colour and persuasion imaginable. The pot pouri that is now London is only fit for the extremely wealthy, who get preferential treatment despite not paying a penny in tax, and the illegal immigrant, where a new industry of dubious legal practice has risen around their ankles.
To all Sun readers, Beware for what you wish, it just might come true.

A respectable Labour stalwart.

Notareargunner adds a tribute to a truly remarkable woman. She is remarkable for her simplicity, her honest portrayal of her principles, her devotion to her politics, and her genuine representation of facts as she saw them without the Labour spin.
I disliked her politics intensely, but would have voted for her against the Conservative cabal that is emanating from Central Office. True politicians like Ms Dunwoody are priceless in an era of artificial and pretentious clowns.

clipped from www.lastingtribute.co.uk Labour MP who was the longest serving female Member of Parliament Tributes have been paid to veteran Labour MP Gwyneth Dunwoody who died on 17 April, 2008, aged 77. Ms Dunwoody, the MP for Crewe and Nantwich, was the longest serving female Member of Parliament. "She was always her own person. She was fiercely independent. She was politics at its best - a great parliamentarian. She will be sadly missed in all parts of the Houses of Parliament."

South Africa today 19th April 2008

This is a report (by Pied Piper)that hits the nail on the head:

For the past 13 years we have heard how all our problems are the fault of the long since departed apartheid regime.

The ANC spin doctors resort to all sorts of excuses when things go wrong, as they have been doing for the past 10 years.

Now is the time for the truth.

In 1994 the ANC took over a country that was in a healthy state of repair, with an Education system rated one of the top ten in the world.

A Health system that produced pioneers in many fields of medical research and enjoyed the respect of the medical fraternity the world over.

A transportation system that was the envy of the rest of Africa, and a network of roads equal to the best in Europe.

A police force that controlled crime.

A water supply rated one of the cleanest in the world.

What have we now?

An education system rated at the bottom end of a field of 50, with a required pass rate of 33% (the lowest requirement of any system in the world, and still our pupils are unable to achieve this miserable standard).

We have a health system where those in control believe beetroot and garlic will cure AIDS, where babies die in hospitals through lack of knowledge, medication, equipment and efficient care.

Where untrained staff forget to check regularly on patients in serious condition.

We have a Minerals and Energy Minister who suggests that businesses close for certain periods to conserve electricity whilst South Arica suffers power failures, but until very recently continued to supply electrical power to our northern and eastern neighbours.

We have cholera outbreaks because of contaminated water supplies in rural areas.

We have a crime rate which is just about the highest in the world.

We have a government composed of officials under investigation for corruption, theft, fraud, consorting with criminals, drunken driving, speeding and many other forms of law breaking.

Time to tell the truth – the ANC government is incapable of running our country. And their policies border on insanity.

The ANC policy of Affirmative Action has stripped the country of 75% of its skilled population and is responsible for the deprivation of the constitutional and social rights of the white population.

The practice of putting black people in a position way above their ceiling of competence is now showing the inevitable signs of efficiency erosion at all levels. Along with the inevitable rise in prices and lowering of standards of service and living.

The Black Economic Empowerment policy has empowered a certain group of people (all ANC members) at the expense of the entire population. And has cost, and continues to cost, our country billions of rand.

The ANC government officials, both local and national have embarked on a policy of rewarding themselves with excessive salaries, and ridiculous bonuses, for utter inefficiency.

Eskom is another case in point, with an alleged R143 million paid in bonuses, whilst the country suffers an energy crisis due to ignorance and lack of planning. This crisis now threatens the economy of our country.

I am sure many of those who operate a Telkom service have had the pleasure of holding on for 49 minutes when contacting Telkom’s help line. (My personal best was 59 minutes on January 26, 2008. I must admit that I was helped after that period, which was a refreshing change).

We have a crime rate that is the envy of the Russian Mafia, who will no doubt soon be relocating to Johannesburg and Cape Town. (The Sicilian Brotherhood are already here it seems, enjoying the friendship of some of our Commissioners and Ministers).

We have roads which, in the rural areas, are slowly crumbling away, if they have not already disintegrated.

We have roads in our towns and cities which have more potholes than a slice of Swiss cheese. We have traffic lights which do not work for at least 2 - 3 days each month.

As a reward for this farcical and criminal inefficiency, the government hands out awards and bonuses to all concerned.

Let’s be honest. Several Ministers should have been fired by the President 4 years ago. Those involved in Health, Safety and Security, Education, Home Affairs, Land Affairs, Labour and Minerals and Energy should long since have walked the plank.

The latest madness is to disband the one department that stands between absolute corrupt government and the man in the street, the Scorpions.

In fact our democracy, such as it is, is under severe threat.

We have a former Minister of Defence who bought fighter planes which the airforce did not want, and who, it is alleged by a former ANC Minister, received R39-R50 million for his troubles.

We have two submarines (cost R1.6 billion a piece, it is alleged) which are languishing in Cape Town Harbour as no one can drive them.

We also have a fancy army, which costs millions monthly, with no one to fight. Which is why we have millions unemployed and without shelter.

And 4 million refugees, which we cannot afford to cater for.

But if one criticises the present ANC government, (which should be one’s democratic right), one is labeled ‘racist’. But the biggest racists are those who accuse others of racism, and everyone knows where they are.

Let’s be honest, tell the truth and declare quite openly, the ANC are incapable of running this country.
This is circulating from Yarpieland. For ANC substitute Labour - for South Africa insert UK.

Grab a Granny Night?

Royals at Grab A Granny? Look at the supercilious grin on the OFFICER in the back ground. "Go for it, Bootie," he is saying, "I'll go for the daughter."

Abstinance, yes please.

It was my excuse for not having to kiss some of my mates wives!!!

Free Barbeque Grill

No Joke FREE....Barbeque Grill (really a £1 deposit)

from

Tescos, Woolworths, Iceland, Neto, Aldi, Lidl, Sainbury's and all good stores.


Note the intricate higher grill for keeping stolen goods warm. Also only use the metal grills as the plastic ones do not appear to be efficient.

Heavenly sleep

Mother of an invention. The orthopaedic bed for men.

Jump for progress?

Jan in Big Brother rumours
Well done the Paras. If you've decided that it's okay to have gender benders dictate your policies, then it's your ndabe. One of the main reasons for having a professional force was so everyone knew exactly what their role was within a unit. My disquiet at open homosexuals within the Forces is that they distract from doing work. If someone is more interested in determining their own gender - I'm homosexual and I want my boyfriend to have a house in Catterick - then that is a distraction. Having served within Territorial/National Service army environments, the highest percentage of casualties occurred was when the lads were within the first two weeks of call-up, or in the last two week before stand-down. Any distraction was and is a hindrance, not only to themselves, but to their comrades.
It is hard enough to maintain discipline within a straight unit, let alone this new army/navy. If I continually hear dissent coming from the SNCO cadre, why do the higher ups and politicians not hear it? Is homosexuality now a compulsory part of entrance?

£150 per hour - she ought to go into politics as she's cheaper!

This young lady says she is happy being an in-control prostitute. How glad for her I am. She says she charges £150 per hour but The Mail will not give me a quote for a 15 second burst! It's about as long as I can last and about all me pension will stretch to now Broon has abolished me 10% tax bracket.

You don't need dogs to hunt.

On the hunt for dangerous escapee prisoners on Dartmoor, armed with the standard issue pick axe with no pick!! An untimely interruption to the coffee drinking and dart throwing of us highly professional alcoholics!!
The heroes, Redfern, Jock Ash, Mad Mick Martin, Malky, Paddymick Moran - December 1966, Lympstone, School of Limp Wallking.
Subscribed by Malky the Alcy

Labour 's Minister, was this the true story?

While walking through Regents Park in Old London Town, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.

Seeing this he inquired, 'Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?'

'I'm listening to the music of the tree,' the other man replied.

'You've gotta be kiddin' me.'

'No, would you like to give it a try?'

Understandably curious, the man says, 'Well, OK...' So he wrapped his arms around the tree & pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewellery, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, 'What the heck happened to you?'

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, 'This just ain't gonna be your day, sweetie...'

Blind date?

Harriet to turn Queens Evidence on corrupt Labour! Here she is on her way to Court to give a sworn affidavit on The Dodgey Dossier, MP's expenses, Minister's spouses, election rigging...bollacks...there's too many to mention.

There's no truth at all in the rumour that she's f*7cking a Black man and she has to go out in disguise and the two fell'a in the back are part of the gang bang. If they're from the Met they are probably "not that way inclined".

Peckham is the safest Borough in Johannesburg. Pity it's in London. The stab jacket - oh! how you can play on those words - is in fact a tit holder for flat chested women with fat arses, so why are you wearing it Harriet? Oh, you're on a safe building site are you? Nice one. Tell that to the Marines - two more KIA in your dubious war this week.

I'D LOVE TO BE EIGHT AGAIN

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
'I'd love to be eight again' she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early and made her a bowl of Coco Pops and jammy toasties!

He took her to Alton Towers and put her on every ride in the park:
* The Death Slide
* The Wall of Fear
* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park.

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they went to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milkshake.

Then it was off to the movies: the latest Kiddies three hour epic cartoon, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms!

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked 'Well dear, what was it like being eight again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed to one of total realisation...'I meant my dress size, you f***ing tw@t !!!'

The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.....