Real heroes

clipped from www.telegraph.co.uk Two Royal Marines killed in Afghanistan blast Two Royal Marines have been killed in an explosion in southern Afghanistan, the Ministry of Defence has said. The soldiers, serving with 40 Commando Royal Marines, were conducting a patrol near Kajaki, in Helmand Province, shortly before 5pm local time when their vehicle was caught in an explosion yesterday.

Like all former Bootnecks, my thoughts are with the families and comrades of the fallen.

Pretty Evil Woman?

The three kick rule

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Cumberland. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, 'I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it.'

The old farmer replied, 'This is my property, and you are not coming over here.'

The indignant lawyer said, 'I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United Kingdom and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.'

The old farmer smiled and said, 'Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Cumberland. We settle small disagreements with the 'Three Kick Rule'.'

The lawyer asked, 'What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?'

The Farmer replied, 'Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.'

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot right into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's lunch gushing from his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pat.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, 'Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn.'

The old farmer smiled and said, 'Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.’

New Indian Wars

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, 'Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.

'Very good!'

Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'

Again no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said he.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about this history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'Fuck the Indians,'

'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.

'General Custer, 1862.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'

Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004.'

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're fucked!'

And Chandrasekhar said quietly, ‘I think it was George Bush, Iraq, 2007.'

When Gran goes to Court

Keeping abreast of the Nudes

Remember.

Out of the mouth of Babes

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

The Teacher fainted

Read all about it.

A Royal Marine Commando is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The bootneck jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the rider, says "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life."

"Why, it was nothing" said the Royal. "Really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."

"I noticed a patch on your jacket" said the journalist.

“Yeah, I ride with the Royal Marine motorcycle display team" the biker replies.

"Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this on the first page." The journalist leaves.

The biker gets the newspaper the next day and checks to see if it has news of his actions, and reads, on first page:

"BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH"

Gaelic Football on the rise.

The new Limerick manager sent scouts out around the world looking for a
new centre forward to replace his old and decrepid players hoping to win
the Sam Maguire. One of the scouts informs him of a Young Iraqi GAA
player who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar.

The Gaffer flies to Baghdad to watch him and is suitably impressed and
arranges for him to come over.

Two weeks later Limerick are 4-10 to 1-10 down to Kerry with only 20
minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi lad the nod and on he
goes. The lad is a sensation, scores 4 goals in 20 minutes and wins the
game for Limerick .
The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the
media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch he phones
his mum to tell her about his first game in the Championship.
Hello mum, guess what?' he says. 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were
3 goals down but I scored 4 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans,the
media, they all love me.'
Wonderful, says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got
shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten and your
brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time
.'

The young lad is very upset, 'What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry.'
'Sorry?!' says his mum, 'You're f**king sorry???? It's your fault we
moved to Limerick in the first place!'

Blog of the week

NHS have just released the following warning:

There is a dangerous virus being passed around. This virus is called Weary-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else, via any means, DO NOT TOUCH IT.

This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, put your coat on and take two good friends to the nearest supermarket or local bar. Purchase one of the antidotes known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER).

Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should forward this warning to your friends and colleagues,.....if you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected.

Paintshop amateur

A Frenchman cleverly robbed the Louvre of some rare art works-but his getaway vehicle ran out of petrol in the next street. The French polis were anxious to find out why his Masterplan went so obviously wrong.” Messieurs ….said the thief, “Eet is simple - I did not have the Monet for Degas to make the Van Gogh”.

The Irish Health Service

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.
"Murphy, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: " So, Murphy, how was your day?"

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."

"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman borsts in so she does. Like bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'"

"Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the Doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."

How to pick the bitches name?

Irish Coffee

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the Doctor.

'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really! What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin’ here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!'