Noah circa 2007

On a day when I read in The Times that the UK government is considering banning stiles and kissing gates (part of Britain's countryside for generations) because they are deemed to contravene the Disability Discrimination Act 1995, I thought this was 'spot on'.

In the year 2007 the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and
said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and overpopulated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the CATIA drawings, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard- but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure. We had to then go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.
Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many disabled carpenter's I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark. "
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. "The British government beat me to it."

Hercules, Snow White and Quasimodo

Hercules, Snow White and Quasimodo were all having lunch together.
Hercules said, "I have always thought that I'm the strongest man in the world, but how can I be sure?"

Snow White agreed. "I'm told I'm the fairest of them all, but sometimes I wonder." Quasimodo said, "I'm pretty sure I'm the ugliest human alive but I've never had it confirmed."

They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true was to pray about it that night and ask God to confirm for them whether Hercules was the strongest, Snow White was the fairest and Quasimodo was the ugliest. They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their findings.

The next day Hercules walked up with a smile. "Well, it's true. God told me that I am the strongest man in the world."

Snow White perked up and said, "And I now know for sure that I'm the fairest for God confirmed it."

But Quasimodo lifted his sad face and said, "Who the f**k is Robert Mugabe?"

Jack Straw's newest constituent?

Slapper Reports made public.

Following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing the father's details. These are genuine excerpts from the forms.

Be sure to check number 11, it takes the prize!!!!!

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps?

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 36 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced?

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

Sing along folks.

Indian Summer

He swings the bat also!!!

Labour Minister 'INCOMPETENT'?

clipped from news.bbc.co.uk Hain donations 'an incompetence' The PM told ITV's News at Ten Mr Hain, who faces MPs' Wales questions later, made a mistake he had "readily admitted to" but there had been "no corruption".

SO SAY'S THE PRIME MINISTER, GORDON BROWN.
So why is he in Office?

TUC evolving into NEW LABOUR?

I thought this was an exclusive club until I noticed some New Conservatives joining in on the end!!

Political Donations

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway. Nothing is moving.

Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Gordon Brown, Peter Mendlesohn, Harriet Harmon, Peter Hain and David Cameron. They're asking for a £310 million ransom. Otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"

"About a litre."

The Worlds' Shortest Fairy Tale

Email symbols.

We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:

:) means a smile and :( is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by :-) and :-(

Well, how about some 'ArseICONS?'
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular arse
(__!__) a fat arse
(!) a tight arse
(_*_) a sore arse
{_!_} a swishy arse
(_o_) an arse that's been around.

(_x_)
Kiss my arse(Peter Hain to the electorate)

(_X_)

leave my arse alone (Gorgon Brown to the News Media)

(_zzz_)

a tired arse (Conservative Grandees on sleaze)

(_E=mc²_)

a smart arses (Labour MP's trying to explain expenses and donations)

(_$_)
Money coming out of his arse (Peter Hain or George Osborne)

(_?_)

Dumb Arse (the electorate)

A Romantic Sleigh ride.

Isn't LUV grand?

Proof that Theo Spark has DEMENTIA

He thinks he is the one on the RIGHT!!!