Breaking News.

Government has ordered the first of a new class of frigit, the Lesbos class. Specially designed to protect dykes on Dartmoor, with no need for engines as they can't go anywhere, no need for armaments because the mist will defend it, also gun drill is outlawed under health ans safety legislation and gun manuals place in museums alongside Naval guns from Coventry; just nice and cosy double bunks and soothing music instead of pipes. Royal Marines will no longer be required to protect the Officers from the rabble as no-one knows who the rabble is - future King Billy and his drunkard pals, never! They would never have got a look in, in the old Blue Pig and the proper rough cider at 11d per pint (that's less then 5 pence in this Mickey Mouse money). Green Berets will be presented to all females who fail the Commando course more than twice, cadets over seventeen stone, DJ's and ancient camera men, and the Army Intelligence Corp - does oxymoron mean nothing?
School children will have to learn that Nottingham is an isolate rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean with £240m of scrap dumped on it.