BURNLEY
HURRICANE
APPEAL
A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit the East Pennine area of Lancashire in the early hours of Tuesday with its epicenter in Burnley.
Victims were seen wandering around
aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".
The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage.
The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage.
Several priceless collections of mementos
from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair.
Three areas of historic burnt out cars were
disturbed.
Many locals were woken well before their
giros arrived.
Pennine wireless reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Burnley.
Pennine wireless reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Burnley.
One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a
15-year-old mother of 5 said,
"It was such a shock, my little
Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying.
My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and
Victoria-Storm slept through it all.
I was still shaking when I was skinning up
and watching Trisha the next morning."
Apparently looting, muggings and car crime
were unaffected and carried on as normal.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.
Rescue workers are still searching through
the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including
benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from
Poundland.
HOW CAN YOU HELP ?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.
Clothing is most sought after - items most needed
include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by but are
needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals
Tins of baked beans
Goldenlay Yolky Chucky Eggs
Ice cream
Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9
£5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
**Breaking news**
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in
raspberry alco-pop.
"Where are you bleeding from?" the ambulace driver asked,
"Padiham"
said the girl,
"and woss that gotta fukin' do wiv you?"
------------
" And - How many fingers have I got up now ? "
Asked the ambulance driver
" Fuck me ! I'm paralysed ! "
retorted ' Shazz '
Please don't forward this to anyone living in East Pennine area - oh, Fuck it, they won't be able to read it, anyway.
"Where are you bleeding from?" the ambulace driver asked,
"Padiham"
said the girl,
"and woss that gotta fukin' do wiv you?"
------------
" And - How many fingers have I got up now ? "
Asked the ambulance driver
" Fuck me ! I'm paralysed ! "
retorted ' Shazz '
Please don't forward this to anyone living in East Pennine area - oh, Fuck it, they won't be able to read it, anyway.
