10 pence a whiskey

Four elderly men are walking down a street in London.

They turned a corner and see a sign that says, Old Timers Bar - all drinks 10p.'
They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
The bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, 'Come in Gentlemen! What'll it be?
There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a Malt whiskey. In short order, the bartender serves up the four glasses of pure malt....
and says, 'That'll be 10p each, please'
The four men stare at the bartender for a moment.
Then look at each other...
They can't believe their good luck.
They pay the 40p, finish their drinks, and order another round. Again, four excellent malts are produced with the bartender again saying, 'That's 40p, please.'
They pay the 40p, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They have each had two malt whiskeys and so far they've spent less than a Pound.
Finally one of the men says, 'How can you afford to serve malt whiskey's as good as these for 10p?'
'I'm a retired tailor from Manchester,' the bartender said, and I always wanted to own a pub. Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 10p - wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same.'
Wow!!!! That's quite a story,' says one of the men.
The four of them sipped at their drinks but couldn't help but notice seven others at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.
One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, 'What's with them?'
The bartender replied, 'Oh, that lot! They're all old Bootnecks from Plymouth. They're waiting for happy hour when the drinks are half price.'

Little Bruce

Mohammed entered his classroom.

"What is your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammed".... answered the kid.
"Here we are in Australia and there is no Mohammed. From now on your name will be Bruce," replied the teacher.
In the evening, Mohammed returned home. "How was your day, Mohammed?" asked his mother.
"My name is not Mohammed, I am in Australia and now my name is Bruce."
"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to disown your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you," and she beat him.
Then she called the father and he too beat him savagely.
The next day Mohammed returned to school. When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked: "What happened to you little Bruce?"
"Well, Miss, 2 hours after becoming Australian I was attacked by two fuckin’ Arabs!..."

Letter from the DEAD

10 Drowning Street
London SW1/2

Dear People of the United Kingdom

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy, your Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers 50 years of age and older on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the government deems appropriate.
Only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the government.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The government has always prided itself in the amount of SHIT it gives out. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your local MP. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
Sincerely,
Gordon Broon

Ronnie Biggs to repay proceeds of Great Train Robbery after ‘genuine oversight’

Notorious Great Train Robber, Ronnie Biggs, has announced that he is to return the proceeds gained from the 1963 multi-million pound train heist in an attempt to restore public confidence in the once honourable criminal classes. Biggs, currently serving a sentence in Norwich prison after returning to the UK in 2001, has described the manner by which he came into the money as ‘an honest mistake’, and has called for a change in the rules which are making morally-upright criminals look like money-grabbing cheats.
‘I didn’t realise I was doing anything wrong,’ said the ailing 79-year-old today in a prepared statement. ‘The train stopped and everyone just jumped on the wagon, so I assumed it was totally on the level. But I tell you, as soon as I checked the law some 36 years later and found that I may have been in the wrong, I couldn’t have been more embarrassed. I turned myself in straight away. I just hope that by giving the money back now it’s not too late to change the public’s opinion of me.’
After initially being convicted for the Great Train Robbery in what he thought was a gross miscarriage of justice, Biggs escaped from prison in 1965 and remained on the run until he discovered his mistake in 2001. Although he insists that at the time of the robbery he stuck to the gang’s rules 100%, he has admitted that he felt ‘uncomfortable’ claiming so much money. And he has now called for a complete overhaul of the system which forced him to acquire second, third and fourth homes in different countries just to avoid being apprehended by the police and returned to prison.
Yet despite getting his comeuppance, Biggs remains nostalgic for a time when robbers had standards. ‘There was a time when being a criminal meant something, when you were looked up to by the community,’ he lamented today. ‘But this modern generation of criminals is completely lacking in moral fibre. They’ll take anything, and it’s decent everyday people who are left to foot the bill.’
Now in declining health, Biggs is hopeful that he will soon be granted early release in anticipation of a surge in demand for prison places. ‘But if not, I ain’t sharing my cell with no thief,’ he spat today.

North and South

One day in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Archangel Michael found him on the seventh day resting. He enquired of God, 'Where have you been?'
God pointed downwards through the clouds.
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, 'What is it?'
'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.'
'Balance?' inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth, 'For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot, and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people.'
God continued, pointing to the different countries.
This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.'
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of land and asked, 'What's that?'
'Ah,' said God. That's the North of England, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful people, seven Premiership football teams in the North West alone, and many impressive cities; it is the home of the world's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians. The people from the North of England are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth…'
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, 'What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!'
God replied very wisely, 'Wait till you see the bunch of tossers I'm putting down South!
Just look what the South did to our Hazel Blears, or was she a cheating thieving lying bitch all along?