Johnny in the last class before Christmas

It's the day before Christmas break. The students have turned in all their work, and there is really nothing more to do. The children are so restless the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly, can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself: "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says: "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny say a word, Mary says: "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny gets his mouth open, Nancy says: "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
By now, Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
When the teacher turns her back, Johnny says: "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher spins around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny: "TIGER WOODS!!! Can I go now?"

The Real Christmas Fairy

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant outside the Heathrow immigration offices.
'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in England with your wife and three children.'
The man told the fairy: 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING !!! He had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!
'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two, more wishes, to go’.
The refugee claimant now got bolder.
'I need a big house with a three car garage in Oxford with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here.
PING! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, overlooking the river.
'One, more wish, left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.
I want to be like the English with English clothes instead of manjams, and a baseball cap instead of this turban.
And I want to have white skin like the English.'
PING! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, an old T-shirt and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed.. 'Where is my new house?'
The fairy said 'Tough luck. Now that you are English, you're entitled to f*** all!!!!' And she disappeared!

Widdle wabbits

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, “Excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?”

The shopkeeper’s heart melts, he gets down on his knees so he’s on her level, and says, “Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy bwack wabbit, or one like the widdle bwown wabbit over there?”

The little girl blushes and rocks on her heels, puts her hands on he knees, leans forward and whispers…”I don’t fink my pyfon gives a phuk.”

KINKY SEX

Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy's mini van when suddenly Colleen, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!" Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both collapse in ecstasy.
About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?" Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy [let alone that she allowed the kinky boy to whip her] eventually admits that, yes, she did.
Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen".

Little Johnny, why we love him.

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.
The teacher said, 'that was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating'.
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'my family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.’
The teacher said, 'well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate'.
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.
Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'
The teacher sat down and cried.

Situation Vacant

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He says "Yes - just caffeine."
"'Have you ever been in the service?"
"Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment," and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes 100% …an IED exploded near me and blew my testicles off."
The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now.

Normal hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 AM - and plan on starting at 10 AM every day."
The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM, why don't you want me to be here before 10 AM?"
"'This is a government job, Procurement Officer at the MoD,” the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."