A touch of irony

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts crying.

'Come on man I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY.' 'I can't stand to see a man crying.'

'This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between sobs. 'I can't do anything right.' 'I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me.

So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison.

They too vote

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front garden and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale £10." The next day someone stole it.*

Caution... They vote Labour!

*Yesterday I was walking down the Rossall Beach with some friends when someone shouted...."Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said ... "where???"*

They vote Labour!!

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in a Spanish cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving".

They too vote Labour!!!!

I told the waitress at the steakhouse counter that I wanted the half Kilogram sirloin. She informed me they only had a 500g sirloin. Not wanting to make a scene, I told her I would take the 500g steak instead of the half-kg.*

They vote!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the boot...

She too votes!!!!!

My friends and I were on a Beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.... *

Credit crunch?!!!!!!

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...*

And he’s an artist!!!!!!!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.

She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained Professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "Has your plane arrived yet?"...*

Welcome to Blackpool Airport!!!!!!!!

While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding.

"Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6

pieces.*

That’s what drinking in the Dunes does to your brain.!!!!!!!!

Sadly, not only do they vote, they also reproduce!!!!

Merry Christmas

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine. . .and those who don't.
As Ben Franklin said, “In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.”

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop. (that's over 2 pounds).

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poop; Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.

Mugabe miracle?

Robert Mugabe goes on a state visit to Israel. While he is on a tour of

Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and passes away. The undertaker tells the accompanying people, 'You can have him shipped home for US$500,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land, for just S$100.' The Zimbabweans ago into a corner and discuss for a minute. They come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Mugabe shipped home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend $500,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100? With the money you save you could buy enough diesel for a year, buy enough medicines to wipe out cholera, buy enough generators to never have blackouts again.'

The Zimbabweans replied, 'Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take that chance.'

The Modern Parable

Over-thinking?

A Japanese company (Toyota) and an American company (General Motors) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

The Americans, discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was that the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 7 people steering and 2 people rowing.

Feeling a deeper study was in order; American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.

They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 2 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.


They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 2 people rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rowers. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses. The pension program was trimmed to 'equal the competition' and some of the resultant savings were channelled into morale-boosting programs and teamwork posters.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid off one rower, halted development of a new canoe, sold all the paddles, and cancelled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses.

The next year, try as he might (and having no paddles), the lone designated rower was unable to even start the race, so he was laid off for unacceptable performance, all canoe equipment was sold, and the next year's racing team was outsourced to India.

The End.


PS: General Motors has spent the last thirty years moving its factories out of the US, claiming they can't make money paying American wages. Toyota has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US.

The last quarter's results: Toyota made 4 billion in profits while General Motors racked up 9 billion in losses.

The General Motors folks are still scratching their heads and collecting bonuses... and now they want a bailout.

If this weren't so true, it might be funny.

This must be the bravest man alive

And who says love's not blind???