Aussie Coucillor on torture

T. B. Bechtel, a City Councillor from Newcastle, NSW, was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists.

His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.

HIS STATEMENT:

'If hooking up one raghead terrorist prisoner's testicles to a car battery to get the truth out of the lying little camelshagger will save just one Australian life, then I have only three things to say,'

'Red is positive,

Black is negative, and

Make sure his nuts are wet.'

Two medical students

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff legged and walking very slowly.
One of the students said to his friend, 'I'm sure the poor old man has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.'
The other student says, 'No I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are spread apart, just as we learned in class.'
Since they couldn't agree, they decided to ask the old man.
They approached him and one of the students said to him, 'We're medical students and we couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?'
The old man said, 'I'll tell you, but first you must tell me what you fine medical students think.'
One of the students said, 'I think it's Petry Syn- drome.'
The old man said, 'You thought, but you are wrong'
Then the other student said, 'I think you have the Zovitzki Syndrome.'
The old man said, 'You thought, but you are wrong.'
So they asked him, 'Well, old timer, what exactly do you have?'
The old man said, "I thought it was GAS, but I was wrong."

Should the UK adopt the Euro?

A cross-section survey of 1000 people in the U.K. made up of : Afghans, Albanians, Bengalis, Bosnians, Caribbeans, Chinese, Croatians, Cypriots, Greeks, Hispanics, Indians, Iranians, Iraqis, Irish, Malays, Nigerians, Pakistanis, Poles, Somalis, Turks and an assortment of Geordies, Brummies, Glaswegians and Liverpudlians were asked if they thought Britain should change its currency to the Euro.

99.9% said no, they were happy with the Giro.

LONDON LAWYER V GLASGOW COP

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow cop says, 'Licence and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What for?'
Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come tae a complete stop at the stop sign.'
London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down and no one was coming.'
Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come tae a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte come tae complete stop, that's the law. Licence and registration, please!'
London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the pulp out of the lawyer and says, 'Now, dae ye want me tae stop, or just slow doon?'

Bob and the Blonde

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.

He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 PM news was coming on.

The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?'

Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.'

The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.'

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!' Just as the blonde placed
her money on the bar,

the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset,

but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, 'Fair's fair. Here's your money.'

Bob replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump.'

The blond replied, ‘I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again’.

The Brothel

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

'May I help you sir?' she asked.
'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.
'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.

'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?'

The man replied, ' Ontario.'

'Really', she said. 'I have family in Ontario.'

'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

Why not to get sh*t faced at News Years Party.

A little boy says to his mother, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"

His mother replied, "Don't even go there! From what I can remember about that fucking party, you're lucky you don't bark!