cabbage heads are empty-bottles

Mens Rules

2010-12-25T12:32:00.000Z

The Man Rules

We always hear 'the rules' from the female side

Now here are the rules from the male side
These are our rules!

Please note... they are all numbered '1' on purpose.

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports are like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail, and witchcraft.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one! Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after seven days.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. All men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.. Really!

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Marksman Sam

2010-10-06T23:00:00.000+01:00

Written by Marriott Edgar

When Sam Small joined the regiment,
'E were no' but a raw recruit,
And they marched 'im away one wint'ry day,
'Is musket course to shoot.

They woke 'im up at the crack o' dawn,
Wi' many a nudge and shake,
'E were dreaming that t' Sergeant 'ad broke 'is neck,
And 'e didn't want to wake.

Lieutenant Bird came on parade,
And chided the lads for mooning,
'E talked in a voice like a pound o' plums,
'Is tonsils needed pruning.

"Move to the right by fours," he said,
Crisp like but most severe,
But Sam didn't know 'is right from 'is left,
So pretended 'e didn't 'ear.

Said Lieutenant, "Sergeant, take this man's name."
The Sergeant took out 'is pencil,
'E were getting ashamed o' taking Sam's name,
And were thinking o' cutting a stencil.

Sam carried a musket, a knapsack and coat,
Spare boots that 'e'd managed to wangle,
A 'atchet, a spade... in fact, as Sam said,
'E'd got everything bar t'kitchen mangle.

"March easy men," Lieutenant cried,
As the musket range grew near,
"March easy me blushing Aunt Fanny," said Sam,
"What a chance with all this 'ere."

When they told 'im to fire at five 'undred yards,
Sam nearly 'ad a fit,
For a six foot wall, or the Albert 'All,
Were all 'e were likely to 'it.

'E'd fitted a cork in 'is musket end,
To keep 'is powder dry,
And 'e didn't remember to take it out,
The first time 'e let fly.

'Is gun went off with a kind o' pop,
Where 'is bullet went no-one knew,
But next day they spoke of a tinker's moke,
Being killed by a cork... in Crewe.

At three 'undred yards, Sam shut 'is eyes,
And took a careful aim,
'E failed to score but the marker swore,
And walked away quite lame.

At two 'undred yards, Sam fired so wild,
That the Sergeant feared for 'is skin,
And the lads all cleared int' t' neighbouring field,
And started to dig 'emselves in.

"Ooh, Sergeant! I hear a scraping noise,"
Said Sam, "What can it be?"
The noise that 'e 'eard were lieutenant Bird,
'Oo were climbing the nearest tree.

"Ooh, Sergeant!" said Sam, "I've 'it the bull!
What price my shooting now?"
Said the Sergeant, "A bull? Yer gormless fool,
Yon isn't a bull... it's a cow!"

At fifty yards 'is musket kicked,
And went off with a noise like a blizzard,
And down came a crow looking fair surprised,
With a ram-rod through 'is gizzard.

As 'e loaded 'is musket to fire agen,
Said the Sergeant, "Don't waste shot!
Yer'd best fix bayonets and charge, my lad,
It's the only chance yer've got.

Sam kept loading 'is gun while the Sergeant spoke,
Till the bullets peeped out of the muzzle,
When all of a sudden it went off bang!
What made it go were a puzzle.

The bullets flew out in a kind of a spray,
And everything round got peppered,
When they counted 'is score... 'e'd got eight bulls eyes,
Four magpies, two lambs and a shepherd.

And the Sergeant for this got a D.C.M.
And the Colonel an O.B.E.
Lieutenant Bird got the D.S.O.
And Sam got... five days C.B.

Farmer's solution

2010-09-17T10:13:00.000+01:00

Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right wheel well fender, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers .

Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.

'What on earth are you doing Mick' says Paddy

'Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin stuffin' out of me' says an obviously embarrassed Mick, 'but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor. "

Irish interview techniques

2010-07-31T17:57:00.002+01:00

Murphy applied for a fermentation operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin. A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the Pole the job."

Murphy, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being

Ireland

and me being Irish surely I should get the job."

Manager, " We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."

Murphy, " And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"

Manager, " Simple. On question number 7 the Pole wrote down, 'I don’t know.' You put down, ‘Neither do I’.

Von Evy Drinke - Diplomatic Corp 42 Right

2010-07-31T09:59:00.003+01:00

Adolph is not alive and living on a caravan sight near you, or is he?

Genisis - according to the Bootnecks

2010-07-31T09:46:00.003+01:00

In the beginning God created the heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And God said, "Let there be light" and there was light.

And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.

And the Devil said, "There goes the neighborhood."

And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth."

And so God created Man in his own image; male and female created he them.

And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.

And the Devil said, "I know how I can get back in this game."

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And the Devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger.

And the Devil said to Man: "You want fries with that?"

And Man said: "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.

And the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And the Devil brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And the Devil saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And the Devil canceled Man's health insurance.

Then God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken and cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice.

And the Devil created light beer so Man could poison his body with alcohol while feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz.

And Man gained another ten pounds.

And God created the life-giving tofu. And Woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva Chocolate and upon returning asked Man: "Do I look fat?"

And the Devil said, "Always tell the truth." And Man did.

And Woman went out from the presence of man and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counselor. And Woman put aside the seeds of the earth and took unto herself comfort food.

And God brought forth Weight-watchers. It didn't help.

And God created exercise machines with easy payments.

And man brought forth his Visa at 21 percent. And the exercise machine went to dwell in the closet of Nod, east of the polyester leisure suit.

And in the fullness of time, Woman received the exercise machine from Man in the property settlement. It didn't help her, either.

Found dead

2010-07-02T11:44:00.000+01:00

A man has been found dead in a river at 6pm wearing an England football shirt, womens' knickers, fishnet stockings, suspenders, a blow-up doll on the end of his todger and a dildo stuck up his arse. Police have removed the shirt to spare his family any embarrassment.

World Kup

2010-06-24T09:53:00.000+01:00

Argentina are playing England in the world cup, and Messi says to the team, "listen you all seem tired, why don't you have a night off, have a drink and I'll play by myself." So they agree and Messi goes to play England by himself.
At half time the Argentinian team check the score and they see ARG 1-0 ENG (Messi 37th min).
They're all impressed and get back to what theyre doing.
After the match finishes they check the score and see ARG 1-1 ENG (Lampard 85th min).
They go to their dressing room and see Messi with his head in his hands. They tell him, "Come on, cheer up you got a draw all by yourself, that's great."Messi replies, "No you don't understand, I got sent off in the 60th minute."

Run ashore

2010-05-06T22:41:00.001+01:00

Bootneck walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Steinlager.
Barman asks, "What's wrong with Steinlager?"
Bootneck replies, "I had 12 pints of it last night and when I came to I was
fucking skint."
Barman says, "But 12 pints of anything costs about the same."
Bootneck replies, "Skint's my dog."

Gone to Hell

2010-04-15T12:18:00.001+01:00

Nelson Mandela, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil
tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call

Russia

and
talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the
cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls

England

and talks for 30 minutes. When she was
finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen
Elizabeth writes him a cheque. Finally Nelson Mandela gets his turn and
talks for 4 hours. When he was finished the devil informed him that there
would be no charge for the call and feel free to call

South Africa

anytime.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Nelson
Mandela got to call

South Africa

free. The devil replied, "Since Jacob Zuma
became president of

South Africa

, the country has gone to hell, so it's a
local call."

Wait for Blair and Brown to arrive.

Phone God

2010-03-23T12:40:00.002Z

An American photographer on vacation was inside a church in Leeds taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '£10,000 per call'.
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Bradford. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Leeds and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 he could talk to God.
'O.K., thank you,' said the American.
He then travelled to York, Rotherham, Sheffield, Dewsbury, and Pickering.
In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '£10,000 per call' sign under it.
The American, upon leaving Yorkshire decided to travel up to Lancashire to see if Lancastrians had the same phone.
He arrived in Darwin, and again in the first church he entered there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '50 pence per call.'
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've travelled all over Yorkshire and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in Yorkshire the price was £10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'you’re in Lancashire now, son ... it's a local call.'

Ancient abusive

2010-03-18T10:58:00.001Z

An old couple come out of a shop to see a traffic warden writing a ticket. "What the fuck are you doing?" says the old man.

"Just doing my job, sir," he replies.

"You dirty fucker," shouts the old woman.

"I’m afraid you’re getting another ticket for your abuse," he says.

"Fucking monkey knob," shouts the old man.

"Right, sir, I am having this vehicle clamped and taken away." He phones for the tow truck and the car is taken away.

"Well Jessie," says the man, "before we get the bus home lets see if we can find any more cars with Man U stickers in the windows."

Sign this petition, now

2010-03-16T15:32:00.001Z

clipped from www.petition.fm

Common Sense Mayor - Fighting PC

THE LATEST VICTIM OF POLITICAL CORRECTNESS?

The Mayor of Doncaster is being subjected to an investigation to answer an outrageous charge that his plans to eradicate political correctness would incite hatred.

It is likely that this complaint (which has already cost taxpayers in Doncaster many thousands of pounds) will be escalated still further and will interfere with his democratically elected mandate to tackle political correctness.

80% of the people of Britain (in an ICM poll commissioned by the Campaign Against Political Correctness) are fed up with political correctness and this figure is consistent regardless of age, sex, ethnicity, geographical location etc.

We urge all those who want to see an end to political correctness - which is intolerant, bureaucratic and expensive - to support the Mayor in his fight for a return to common sense and sign this petition now.

Same Sex marriage

2010-02-21T11:20:00.003Z

Fred and Larry got married in California.

They couldn't afford a honeymoon so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first married night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Larry are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'

She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school. '

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,

'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'

His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

'OK, now tell me what you think.'

He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...... I think I gave him my airplane glue.'

Lawyers in Parliament

2010-02-14T09:27:00.000Z

LAWYER: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
LAWYER: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

THINK ABOUT IT! MOST MEMBERS OF PARLIAMENT ARE LAWYERS.....

Where White Men go wrong

2010-02-13T09:57:00.000Z

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'

Talking Dog

2010-01-21T12:38:00.000Z

A man walks into a bar with his dog and puts the dog on a barstool. The bartender asks the man what he wants to drink.
"I'll have a bourbon and Coke!"
The man then turns to his dog and asks, "What are you going to have, Rover?"
"I'll have a Scotch and soda -- light on the soda," says Rover.
The bartender is skeptical about the dog talking. "Come on," he says, "that dog can't talk -- you're a ventriloquist!"
"No, Rover can really talk! While I am in the restroom, you can have a conversation with him yourself -- but don't let him out of your sight. He is a very valuable dog."
The man goes to the restroom. When he returns, the dog is gone.
"Hey, where's my dog? I told you not to let him out of your sight."
"Aw, I didn't believe that Rover could talk, so I gave him a quarter and sent him to the drug store to buy me a paper."
"Let's go look for him," said the man.
The two! went to the drugstore -- no Rover. They walked up and down nearby alleys and streets -- no dog! Finally, they found Rover in an alley on top of another dog, pumping away.
Pointing his finger at Rover, the man says angrily, "How come you are doing this? You have never done this before!"
"First time I ever had any money !

You may be Taliban if...

2010-01-08T16:22:00.001Z

"Jeff Foxworthy Says.........."

"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF...."

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbour’s goat.

11. Your cousin is president of the United States!

Johnny in the last class before Christmas

2009-12-26T10:53:00.001Z

It's the day before Christmas break. The students have turned in all their work, and there is really nothing more to do. The children are so restless the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly, can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself: "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says: "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny say a word, Mary says: "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny gets his mouth open, Nancy says: "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
By now, Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
When the teacher turns her back, Johnny says: "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher spins around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny: "TIGER WOODS!!! Can I go now?"

The Real Christmas Fairy

2009-12-23T09:48:00.000Z

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant outside the Heathrow immigration offices.
'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in England with your wife and three children.'
The man told the fairy: 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING !!! He had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!
'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two, more wishes, to go’.
The refugee claimant now got bolder.
'I need a big house with a three car garage in Oxford with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here.
PING! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, overlooking the river.
'One, more wish, left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.
I want to be like the English with English clothes instead of manjams, and a baseball cap instead of this turban.
And I want to have white skin like the English.'
PING! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, an old T-shirt and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed.. 'Where is my new house?'
The fairy said 'Tough luck. Now that you are English, you're entitled to f*** all!!!!' And she disappeared!

Widdle wabbits

2009-12-22T12:21:00.008Z

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, “Excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?”

The shopkeeper’s heart melts, he gets down on his knees so he’s on her level, and says, “Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy bwack wabbit, or one like the widdle bwown wabbit over there?”

The little girl blushes and rocks on her heels, puts her hands on he knees, leans forward and whispers…”I don’t fink my pyfon gives a phuk.”

KINKY SEX

2009-12-09T11:28:00.001Z

Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy's mini van when suddenly Colleen, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!" Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both collapse in ecstasy.
About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?" Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy [let alone that she allowed the kinky boy to whip her] eventually admits that, yes, she did.
Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen".

Little Johnny, why we love him.

2009-11-29T12:57:00.000Z

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.
The teacher said, 'that was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating'.
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'my family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.’
The teacher said, 'well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate'.
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.
Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'
The teacher sat down and cried.

Situation Vacant

2009-11-15T09:24:00.000Z

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He says "Yes - just caffeine."
"'Have you ever been in the service?"
"Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment," and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes 100% …an IED exploded near me and blew my testicles off."
The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now.

Normal hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 AM - and plan on starting at 10 AM every day."
The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM, why don't you want me to be here before 10 AM?"
"'This is a government job, Procurement Officer at the MoD,” the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

Just an uncommon soldier

2009-10-30T14:47:00.002Z

Just a Common Soldier

He was getting old and paunchy

And his hair was falling fast.

And he sat around the Legion

Telling stories of the past,

Of a war that he had fought in

And the deeds that he had done,

In his exploits with his buddies

They were heroes, every one.

Tho’ sometimes to his neighbours,

His tales became a joke,

All his Legion cuddies listened,

For they knew whereof he spoke,

But we'll hear his tales no longer,

For old Bill has passed away,

And the world's a little poorer -

For a soldier died today.

He'll not be mourned by many,

Just his children and his wife.

For he lived an ordinary.

Quiet and uneventful life,

Held a job and raised a family.

Quietly going his own way;

And the world won't note his passing —

Though a soldier died today.

When politicians leave this earth,

Their bodies lie in state.

While thousands note their passing

And proclaim that they wore great

Papers tell their life stories from

The time that they were young,

But the passing of a soldier

Goes unnoticed and unsung

Is the greatest contribution

To the welfare of our land,

A guy who breaks his promises

And cons his fellow man?

Or the ordinary fellow who,

In times of war and strife

Goes off to serve his country

And offers up his life?

A politician's stipend and the

Style in which he lives

Are sometimes disproportionate

To the service (hat h® gives,

While the ordinary soldier

Who offers up his all

Is paid off with a medal,

And perhaps a pension, small.

It’s so easy to forget them

For it was so long ago

That the "Old Bills*' of our country

Went to battle, but we know

It was not the politicians^

With their compromise and ploys,

Who won for us the freedom

That our country now enjoys.

Should you find yourself in danger

With your enemies at hand,

Would you want a politician

With his ever-shifting stand?

Or would you prefer a soldier

Who has sworn to defend

His home, his kin and country

And would fight until the end?

He was Just a common soldier

And his ranks are growing thin.

But his presence should remind us

We may need his like again.

For when countries are in conflict

Then we find the soldiers' part

Is to clean up all the troubles

That the politicians start.

If we cannot do him honour

While he's here to hear the praise,

Then at least let's give him homage

At the ending of his days,

Perhaps just a simple headline

In a paper that would say

"Our Country Is In Mourning -

For a Soldier Died today.

ANON

I do not know the author, but this is well worth a rerun.

Sing a Song of Parliament

2009-10-20T13:40:00.001+01:00

Sing a song of Parliament,
Pockets full of cash,
Fraudulently claiming
And adding to their stash.
With their ploy discovered
They said they’d give it back.
If you or I had done the same
We'd promptly get the sack!

Sing a song of freebies,
Snouts all in the trough.
Giving back their ill got gains
Is just not good enough.
Sponging off our earnings
With a likely tale,
If working folk had done the same
They'd soon end up in jail.

Sing a song of fraudsters
Counting out their money.
They smile and look quite unashamed,
As though they think its funny.
Sitting in a secret place,
Counting out their dosh,
On plugs for baths and cleaning moats,
For crisps and orange squash.

Sing a song of MP’s
Who took us for a ride.
It's up to us election time
Their future to decide.
It's gone too far to bring back trust
Of anyone in power.
To most of us they'll always be
A shifty, crooked shower!!

Lyricist unknown

Mugged again

2009-10-15T10:05:00.001+01:00

This Ad Was Posted to Craig's List Personals:

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 05-27-09, 1:43 AM EST.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on my girlfriend and me, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.

I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.

My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.

Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, wasn't it?

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from bare footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people's in the gas station on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with

all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what's going on with that?

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office

and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

The FBI person seemed intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number, etc).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you . . . but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.

Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.

Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,

Ralph.

P.S. Remember this motto... An armed society makes for a more civil society!

The truth about politicians, only joking

2009-09-23T11:32:00.000+01:00

THIS IS A NONPARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY All PARTIES! NOT ONLY THAT-- it is POLITICALLY CORRECT!!
While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

What happened?'
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning ...
Today you voted.'

US troop’s definition of Taliban

2009-08-26T14:13:00.000+01:00

The US troops in Afghanistan proved they have retained their sense of humour, one of them sent this.

"YOU MAY BE TALIBAN IF ..."

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
10. You've always had a crush on your neighbour’s goat (If it were sheep that would be Welching).

Latest World Survey on Food

2009-08-12T18:27:00.000+01:00

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:-
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure because of the following:
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
And Finally........................... In Australia they hung up because they can't understand an Indian accent.

Wilbur Smith ---A factual account

2009-08-09T12:10:00.001+01:00

The plight of the Black Rhinoceros is, or course, due mostly to the value of its horn and the ferocious poaching that this engenders. However, a contributory factor to the declining rhino population is the animal's disorganized mating habits. It seems that the female rhino only becomes receptive to the male’s attentions every three years or so, while the male only becomes interested in her at the same intervals. This is a condition which is known quite appropriately as ‘Must’. The problem is one of synchronization, for their amorous inclinations do not always coincide.
In the early Sixties, I was invited, along with a host of journalists and other luminaries, to be present at an attempt by the Rhodesian Game and Tsetse Department to solve this problem of poor timing. The idea was to capture a male rhino and induce him to deliver up that which could be stored until that day in the distant future when his mate’s fancy turned lightly to thoughts of love.
We departed from the Zambezi Valley in an impressive convoy of trucks and landrovers, counting in our midst non-other than the Director of the game department in person, together with his minions, a veterinary surgeon, an electrician and sundry other technicians, all deemed necessary to make the harvest. The local game scouts had been sent out to search the bush for the largest, most virile rhino they could find. They had done their job to perfection and led us to a beast at least the size of a small granite kopje with a horn on his nose considerably longer than my arm. The trick was to get this monster into a robust mobile pen which had been constructed to accommodate him.
With the Director of the Game Department shouting frantic orders from the safety of the largest truck, the pursuit was on. The tumult and the shouting were apocalyptic. Clouds of dust flew in all directions, trees, and vegetation were destroyed, game scouts scattered like chaff, but finally the Rhino had about a litre of narcotics shot into his rump and his mood became dreamy and benign. With forty game guards heaving and shoving, and the Director still shouting orders from the truck, the rhino was wedged into his cage, and stood there with a happy grin on his face. At this stage, the Director deemed it safe to emerge from the cab of his truck and he came amongst us resplendent in starched and immaculately ironed bush jacket with a colourful silk scarf at this throat. With an imperial gesture, he ordered the portable electric generator to be brought forward and positioned behind the captured animal. This was a machine which was capable of lighting up a small city, and it was equipped with two wheels that made it resemble a roman chariot.
The Director climbed up on the generator to better address us.
We gathered around attentively while he explained what was to happen next. It seemed that the only way to get what we had come for was to introduce an electrode into the rhino s rear end, and to deliver a mild electric shock, no more than a few volts, which would be enough to pull his trigger for him. The Director gave another order and the veterinary surgeon greased something that looked like an acoustic torpedo and which was attached to the generator with sturdy insulated wires. He then went up behind the somnolent beast and thrust it up him to a full arms length, at which the Rhino opened his eyes very wide indeed.
The veterinary and his two assistants now moved into position with a large bucket and assumed expectant expressions. We, the audience, crowded closer so as not to miss a single detail of the drama. The Director still mounted on the generator trailer, nodded to the electrician who threw the switch and chaos reigned. In the subsequent departmental enquiry the blame was placed squarely on the shoulders of the electrician. It seems that in the heat of the moment his wits had deserted him and instead of connecting up his apparatus to deliver a gentle 5 volts, he had crossed his wires and the Rhino received a full 500 volts up his rear end.
His reaction was spectacular.
Four tons of Rhodesian Rhinoceros shot six feet straight up in the air.
The cage, made of great timber baulks, exploded into its separate pieces and the Rhinoceros now very much awake, took off at a gallop. We, the audience, were no less sprightly.
We took to the trees with alacrity.
This was the only occasion on which I have ever been passed by two journalists half way up a mopane tree. From the top branches we beheld an amazing sight, for the chariot was still connected to the Rhinoceros per rectum, and the director of the game department was still mounted upon it, very much like Ben Hur, the charioteer.
As they disappeared from view, the Rhinoceros was snorting and blowing like a steam locomotive and the Director was clinging to the front rail of his chariot and howling like the north wind which only encouraged the beast to greater speed.
The story has a happy ending for the following day after the director had returned hurriedly to his office in Salisbury, another male Rhinoceros was captured and caged and this time the electrician got his wiring right. I can still see the Rhinoceros’s expression of surprised gratification as the switch was thrown.
You could almost hear him think to himself, “Oh Boy! I didn’t think this was going to happen to me for at least another three years.”

Tour de France - 1940

2009-07-21T08:21:00.003+01:00

Can you spot Mark Cavandish in his camouflage jersey???
Emails to German Army HQ, Nato.
Message: "See Fritz, you too can die in Afghanistan, if your Parliament had the bottle to commit."

Asking for a HUG.

2009-07-21T07:12:00.002+01:00

Almost worth loosing your dislike of women? Sorry, politicians!!!